What I Want for Christmas

I have spent so much freaking money the past two months. It's scary. I'm actually surprised I still have money in my checking account. I mean, there was the trip to central america, shopping in LA with Max Power, my new Ipod (therapist told me to buy it... that's the story I'm sticking to) and also the gifts for people... but I found something else I want.






I'm not a huge fan of her art, well, most mainstream LDS artists, but I love this one.

another SMBC-Comic

as simple of an equation as that is, I still don't get it.

I tried

It's late, I know I shouldn't be up this late trying to write what's going on in my life.

But I can't do it. It makes me so sad, I won't.

I'm scared of what it might mean, how long have I been living on a lie?

Too fucking long.

I'm home.

Er, I've been back for a week or so, I have no excuse for not blogging...

I don't have much to say, other than If I were more cognizant in the 80's I would have gone straight for Pat Benatar.

Anyway kids, I'm headed on vacation for a week and a half.

I might post pictures when I get back.

woot.

I miss the New Kid. A lot.

damn missions.

Yet another SMBC-Comic woot.

Hmmm

So, I went to see Therapist today, and it kind of sucked. I know it doesn't seem like it on my blog, but I really do hate talking about my problems. So, the point of this post is to say that I'm kind of sad, I want to kick and scream and say that it isn't fair, and that I really wish it would be all better and okay. Maybe sometime soon, right? I certainly hope so.

anyway, almost time for the Matis FHE. This one should be interesting.

show me the stars

I went to visit Samantha this last weekend and I had an incredible time. A misquoting GA glowered at us in church while we played with Transformers, we ate artichokes, drank hot chocolate, and she even played the piano for me. It was incredible escaping into the beautiful world of the Queen.

The drive was excellent: radio blasting Rihanna, David Sedaris and David Rakoff books on Ipod, and the company couldn’t have been better. When I got home on Sunday I noticed that I was feeling nothing, absolutely nothing. It’s been awhile since I was shut-off emotionally, and I wasn't sure what was going on at first. I decided to watch Beyond the Gates to see if I really was dead inside. While I was sitting there realizing I was actually dead inside, the person next to me on the sofa had tears streaming down his face. I don’t understand crying.

Thinking that this was probably a bad place for me to be in, given my history of exceptional emotional eruptions when I begin to feel again, I decided it necessary to get back to that "feeling" thing again as soon as possible. I notified one of my roommates what was going on and we talked for a little while. He mostly talked while I listened. After a few minutes I started getting a little nauseas from the anxiety of denying the cut and run impulse that was racing through me. I excused myself, acknowledging that leaving was probably the best thing to do in that situation.

Monday morning brought no change in feeling. I was called, “bitchy” by one roommate, then another said, “I would’ve actually said cunty.” Lovely. I sent a few emails to people explaining my current situation the best I could, their responses which were all slightly negative made me question why I actually work hard at continuing friendship thing. But there has to be a reason, or, at least that's what people tell me.

The roommate I spoke with previously about my case of emotional void came home from work and asked if I was still not feeling. I responded in the negative and he replied, “It’s kind of obvious.”

I went to go to a yoga class.

During the practice I was getting really angry. Anger was good, right? At least it was a feeling. I knew it wasn’t going to last long. Getting home from yoga, I talked to the roommate that asked about my non-emotional state. We talked some more in my room and it was nice, I began feeling something again.

Waking up today I examined the feelings thing again. I was feeling the very limited range of emotions I was feeling the night before as I was talking with my roommate. Not bad. Not bad at all.

When I came home from work today I started feeling sad. I think it’s a good thing, but it still sucks ass, and not in that hot-porn-star-kind-of-way either.

After thinking about the cut and run impulse I have, which Ward (RIP) lovingly called a “character deficiency,” come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be alone, I just want to be understood and be with a good friend. I’ve been thinking I’m at the point where it’d be nice to have someone that knows what’s going on inside of me, willing to be near me when I’m feeling like this and just letting me be with them. It would be nice to know that I’m not hurting them or ruining their lives by being in their company, or to have them hurt when my initial reaction to being around them is to jump out a second story window.

We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

Excuse me, would you like some Sheri Dew with that?

I did something today I never thought I would do, and my first thought was that I wish I had worn sexier underwear.

While I was at work I was in the back stockroom finishing up one project, and getting ready to leave. I was wearing my favorite pair of worn–in corduroys, an old pair of Doc Martins and a clearance Lands End button up (read: AtP’s straight man ensemble) I had just noticed some dirt that got on my shirt from moving pictures around as I bent down to grab a stack of The Ark by Michael McLean then heard a small sound coming from behind me. Not being used to the sound of splitting fabric, I thought it was, at first, an odd squeak emanating from the shoes I rarely wear. That was until I bent to the side to look for some more books, heard the same noise, only louder this time and noticed that my pants seemed freer than they had only moments before.

There I was, in the back of God’s Bookstore, completely dismayed by the fact I was wearing pants that shamelessly displayed my rather plain underclothing to the world. Surrounded by stacks of boxed pictures, discounted books by Robert Millet, and Christmas ornaments, the only thought I had is that I wish I had worn something other than Haines. Gaining enough composure to quickly finish the project I was working on, I dismissed myself with a small explanation and went home to my apartment.

I’m still slightly puzzled as to the actual mechanics of pant splittage in my certain circumstance. I mean… I am me after all. To those of you who actually know me can attest to the fact that I am ridiculously thin. Honestly, you couldn’t even tell that I had a backside when I wore those pants.

Hmmm it’s too late to think about how it happened because the only explanation I could come up with was that God was bored and wanted a good chuckle from one of His employees.

if you run, run fast.

This is the third intro to a post I’ve written in the last thirty minutes. I’ve deleted everything else because it would only cause a commotion, just take up unnecessary space, and waste your time and mine.

I’m scared that all the planning, analyzing, and the general amount of work that I’ve done the last few months is being taken away from me. I can almost feel some person robbing me of everything that I thought I had built up to protect me. I am now alone with my feelings and it’s terrifyingly daunting.

Keeping myself seemingly stable is taking up a rather large portion of energy, I stay away more than I used to. If I were to stay in most of the social situations I find myself in, I would say some incredibly hurtful things and definitely damage more relationships than I would by steering clear of company.

I need to talk to therapist about the dead brother. I ended up going taking a box of his pictures and books to my apartment and going through them with a friend on Saturday night. After getting to the bottom of the box, I felt hungry. It doesn’t make sense to me but I was happy I wanted to eat something.

winter winter spring

I don't want to write about why I have been feeling so on edge lately

I don't want to revisit the memories of the last week and share them with the world

I don't want to write about how I haven't been able to eat well for the last week

or how sad, I am

or how frustrated, I am.

No. I won't do it. I can't.

Watching the Sky

Sometimes I miss my brother, a lot.

All we can do is keep breathing.

I’ve been feeling just a little bit off the past few days. I couldn’t pinpoint it, I didn’t want to say what was causing it because it means

I’m not as emotionally mature as I thought I was. That pisses me off.

Come on, now. This year has been jam-packed craziness for me…literally. I moved out, got in a co-dependent relationship, moved back to P-town, was suicidal, found a more stable environment and I’m slowly figuring out what I want. That sounds like a hell of a lot of stuff to have happen in 10 months. I think I should have been able to move past the “Getting emotionally effed up whenever something totally expected happens” stage of my life. But no.

It took me over a week to realize what was causing me to feel all… off, and now I’m just bugged.

Anyway, I have a few posts I’ve been trying to work on, but I couldn’t. Hopefully now that I’ve sort of started cleaning this up I’ll be able to move on and get something of worth actually posted.

since it's been awhile

What's the word...?

I don’t know what I really want to get out of posting, other than just having the satisfaction of putting something on my blog.

I think I just want to say that I’m doing okay. I’m happy and sad. I’m willing to live the gospel, but scared of what that can mean. There is joy, pain, and peace. There are things I am working on, things I want to work on, and things I’ve already accomplished in getting myself to a better place.

There is a lot I want to say about the Evergreen Conference, about my trip to see the New Kid and Max/Here’s to Hope, about my love for the big screen television at my apartment and the incredible movies I’ve watched recently. There is so much to write, so much of the everyday that is beautiful, so much hope mingled in with the dimness that life will never be too easy.

The movie I was watching is now over, the visitors have left and my roommates have mostly gone to sleep, so I think I’ll rap this up now. Thanks for reading…and I think you should comment and tell me how you’re all doing.

The Infinite Atonement

"I bear testimony that you cannot sink farther than the light and sweeping intelligence of Jesus Christ can reach. I bear testimony that as long as there is one spark of the will to repent and to reach, he is there. He did not just descend to your condition; he descended below it, 'that he might be in all and through all things, the light of truth'"

--Truman G. Madsen, Christ and the Inner Life

so. bad. at. blogging.

I have like three different posts I'm working on, none of which will probably ever reach completion. I should just give up on them now.

Anywho, I'm headed out for the weekend to hang out with The New Kid and Max (Here's to Hope) and some really cool catholic girls that used to read my straight blog.

I'm out!

Quote of the Day

"Now I know how to masturbate...what's next?"

--Samantha

Frustrated

It's been a few months since I've felt sad when I eat, but it's happening again. Nothing tastes good, I have no appetite whatsoever, I can't keep my blood sugar anywhere near normal, I want to throw up every time I eat anything substantial and all of that just makes me feel like exploding

When I think about it, I'm not surprised I'm feeling like this, if I can pull through for the next few days I'll be OK and I'll feel much better...

This whole food thing actually caught me off guard a few days ago, I've been doing so well. I thought it was really not going to come up and annoy me again.

But like I mentioned before, this will go away soon enough and I'll be happy again, I have so much to look forward to, there is so much going for me in the now as well. I just need to not let myself be controlled by it this time.

One More for the "Draft" Folder...

I just finished a post and saved it, hopefully I won't feel the need to actually press the publish button on that one. I'm going to complain for a second because:

It's not fair.

It's not what I want for my life right now.

I'm kind of annoyed

So don't be surprised if I drag my feet a little, this is kind of a big step that I don't particularly want to make right now.

sigh

Dammit.

PS This is so scary that I want to throw up.

Cinnamon Bears anyone?

I'm typing this as the toilet in the next room is making a particularly scary whining sound, and the television is on, so don't blame me if this seems disjointed, I'm kind of distracted.

Hmmm Flava just said on The Flava of Love marathon "If it don't apply, let it slide" I'm not quite sure what that means, but it was referring to a cat fight including a purported transvestite and someone they call Pumpkin.

And now there is major drama going down on the re-runs of

America's Next Top Model

I get to hang out with The New Kid in a few weeks when he does the whole "last time speaking in church" before he leaves me for two years to go to some random Spanish speaking country.

A few days after I get back from partying it up The New Kid it's time for the Evergreen Conference, which I'm really excited for. I had a lot of fun last year, and this year is going to be incredible. And I get to hang out with a ton of people that I love. I'm wicked excited.

anywho, yeah. i'm working on a few other posts that I will hopefully be posting soon.

I'm just going to say it and you can think I'm a jerk, but whatever.

I miss the old Queerosphere, and when I say old, I mean before the Tribune article last year. This time is also known as before most of you had blogs in the QoS. Those were better days.

PS I miss Ward Cleaver.

has it really been a week?

Ack!

I had a few consistent posts and then I sort of forget I had a blog for a week. I hate when this happens.

Samantha and Darrin came to visit me [hey, I can believe whatever I want to believe, OK?], we had lunch at our favorite place, and then they went to play with the FoxyJ and Master Fob.

It’s been Education Week in this area of the world, and that means that work has been kind of crazy, I’m so glad that I had today off. I celebrated by waxing my eyebrows and purchasing more hair product.

On Monday I hung out with Carry On at Lagoon, we partied it up, rode the new roller coaster, which was actually worth staying in line forever for. We ate at Costa Vida, my second favorite place ever. After dinner, we watched Superbad, which was such a terrible movie it made me want to curl up in a ball and cry. After that fiasco, I’ve taken away Carry On’s movie picking privileges.

Today Stephalumpagus forced me to go to an Organ recital today. It was painful. I decided I like the sound of a piano so much more than that of an organ.

I’ve felt good the last week or so. It’s been a nice change. Hopefully feeling OK will last. I’m working on some things that will keep it a little more in reach than it has in the last 8 or so months.

Anyway, I’m so done with this post. I’m going to go do something…or something… like watch a romantic comedy and eat junk food.

Last night I began wondering what my life will be like when I’m older. Will I have anyone to take care of me if or when I get ill, or perhaps what will I do when I become too old to take care of myself and have no family to help me?

I must admit this was the first time I’ve thought about this. When I’ve visualized my future, it never really goes that far. I remember a reoccurring dream when I was 17; I died of leukemia before I was even thirty. I’ve never really been fantastic when thinking about what I would like my life to be when I’m twice, or three times my current age.

My parents worry, I know they do. They worry about if I’ll choose to take my life, if I’ll leave church, or what will happen to me when they pass away.

I woke up this morning, afraid that my life was going to be lonely, that I was going to actually live, and I would have to face that loneliness and decide what to do with it.

mmmm mid-grade corrugated paper products. delicious

Today while I was unpacking items [2008 temple calendars] at Your Local Inspirational Bookstore, I noticed that there was a certain size of box that had a very interesting name.



Yes, at YLIBS we even have religious references on our shipping products.

Wow.

The Church

OK it's after 1 am and I'm tired, but I wanted to write about why I'm grateful I have the church and the gospel in my life. It'll be short, since this post is mainly

1. I have a knowledge of deity. I know how I relate to them, and even though I resist communicating with God, He is always there for me. If it wasn't for the church, I never would have had teachers to help me help me start to develop a relationship with God.

2. If it wasn't for me being taught the law of chastity when I was younger, I would be the biggest slut right now. Well, more of a slut than I already am.

3. My job, I am still working at Your Local Inspirational Bookstore and I'm happy some of the time that I'm in a good environment. Even though there are stupid men from rural Utah who call and insist that scouting is necessary for any young man to consider him a worthy Aaronic Priesthood holder. PS my manager has given me an exorbitant amount of time of over the next quarter and a half. I'm really happy he's so freaking awesome about it.

Anyway, I would like to rewrite this post in a more devotional fashion because there are so many things I love about the gospel and even things I love about the church.

PS, anyone planning on attending the Evergreen Conference?

Penelope Shoes

I currently have 27 posts saved as drafts for this particular blog. I can't publish any of it. I wish I could have kept my readership at a distance, I'm too scared my friends read my blog, there are things people can't know about me: I'm too broken, too ugly, too scared.

Someone like me shouldn't feel so sad. I have friends, an OK job, a car that runs well, and a few people that I know care very much for me. I really do have everything--why can't I be happy? Why can't I feel whole?

“Hemingway has his classic moment in "The Sun Also Rises" when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt. All he can say is, "Gradually, then suddenly." That's how depression hits. You wake up one morning, afraid that you're going to live.”

I can only give you everything I've got.

I don't want to post, but I probably will press the publish button instead of the save button. I still want to be gone.

I woke up today feeling like nothing was holding my body together, I feel wretched and worthless... it's never a good sign when I wake up like this.

This is surely just some residual effects from the really lame panic attack I had Monday morning, but this is ridiculous. Why can't I get over it?



I need to be still be away for a while. I don't want to do this right now.

I'm still on vacation

Hey, it feels so good not to feel obligated to write, I've actually contemplated shutting this one down.

Anyway, I just wanted to throw a link out there to one of my favorite blogs ever. I've met this kid and he's incredible, and his writing is just as amazing. I resonate very well with what he has to say and it's beautiful. So take some time and head over to...

LDS Eunuch

anyway, I'm still gone.

This dance is mine.

I'm tired of feeling like I can't write in this blog for fear of receiving more concerned emails begging me to open up to the sender. Chances are, I don't trust you or want you in my life.

That being said, I won't be updating for a while. I hope you all understand.

Heh

Hey Samantha,

Remember that one time that Smurf's friend came out to his mom as an autosexual?

I think we found a way for her to meet her meet her soulmate. Finally, a solution for all the other autsexuals in the world!

Birthday. woot

Okay, I need to put this up really quick so people don't think I'm evil and very ungrateful.

stephalumpagus, the book is incredible, and so are you.

Thank you Beck for taking Samantha and I to lunch. It was wonderful meeting you.

Thanks Samantha for the flowers they are beautiful.

And to everyone else, thanks for the texts, phone calls, etc. You did more than my parents did--since they decided to go camping and ditch me :-D

so, once again. thank you, you made it a really special day.

Hilarious.

The Lovely Bones

Back in my high school days, I was relentlessly involved in the journalism program, newspaper and yearbook was my life. I loved writing satirical articles, book reviews, doing layout, and I felt like I was in control with a grease pencil in my hand. One particularly drizzly February afternoon while I was a sophomore, I was reading The Lovely Bones for the book review that week. It wasn’t particularly fantastic, but it was an interesting story, I had to give the author that much.

I finished with school and one of my neighbors gave me a ride home. I stepped out of the car into the cold moist air that was so unlike the Utah I knew. I remember the stark blue cover of the book looking particularly striking against the yellow grass that was covered in snow only hours before. I walked up to my house and noticed the light coming out the window from my brother’s room. He had a mobile of a self-portrait hanging in the middle of his room. I could see that swaying back and forth.

I’ve already told the story about finding my brother’s body, although I have always left out the detail that I was holding that book. The Lovely Bones. There was the only person that helped me feel grounded into my family, now just laying on the ground in the fetal position, a pile of lovely bones. I wonder if he was happy as he injected the heroin, or if he was scared like the little girl in the book.

I couldn’t finish reading the book. I wanted desperately to prove to myself that I conquer the feelings of loss and just finish that damned book. But a year later the book was still on my nightstand, mocking me. Needless to say I never wrote the review. Defeated, I gave the book back.

When I moved back to Provo, I was at Barnes and Noble with Stephalumpagus. Meandering through their bargain buys section I spotted it again: somehow the reduced price of five dollars and ninety-seven cents made it look weak.

The Lovely Bones now lies underneath my bed, please don’t tell it that I’m still scared to read. I don’t want that book to have any more power of my life.

This is the moment.

Many of you who know me personally can attest to the fact that I love playing at parks. Swinging is one of my favorite feelings in the entire world, I would do it all day if I could. You know I care for you if I've taken you to a park, played on the swings then we've talked afterwards.

There are two times I've gone to a park in north Provo, which is my favorite mostly for sentimental reasons, that I've learned something that has been extremly important.

One of them happened last spring or early summer. I was with SkyBluePink and another friend we used to work with. The stars were particularly bright that night.

"There are many stars in the sky, you just need to choose which one to follow."

No one could have more perfectly said what I needed to hear than she did then. It's something that I think of every time I see the faint lights in the sky at night time. "Choose which one to follow."

Then on Monday the 9th, I was at that park with Max (Here's to Hope) and he asked me to tell him three things I love about myself.

It took me much longer than it should have. I need to think about this more.

just got back from seeing harry potter...

Helena Bonham Carter stole the show. she was absolutely incredible.

Sunday Dinners

My parents and I have dinner about twice a month, and I tend to bring a few people over each time we do it, my brother's kids love meeting all of my friends, and it's nice to have friends there.

Last night AgentKat, John, and Danish Boy came over.

After dinner we went outside and threw tomahawks...I bet you didn't see that one coming.

Here's a picture of the first one Danish Boy ever had stick in the log.




Pretty cool, huh?

Some clarification, please. pt 1

The thread of comments on my last post is now the reason why I won’t hastily write a vague post ever again.

I, like most of you , have counters on your blog so you can tell how many pageloads there are. Over the last few months my average daily page loads have dropped about 40 per day, I can tell when people come to my blog, and for those of you who commented thank you.

Moving on…

I’ve been thinking a lot about my past experiences with meaningful relationships:

From 6th-10th grade there was Suzie. She was one of only two people I told that my brother died. That night I couldn’t stay in my house, so I was in a nearby town staying with my aunt. That’s where she lived, we walked around outside (mind you it was February and very very cold) for almost two hours. Towards the end of our conversation she stopped and told me she’d never, ever stop being my friend. A few months later she distanced herself from me. I was hurting; I had nowhere to go turn. My life continued to fall apart as my brother just older than I was in and out of jail, in different rehab programs. I was alone. My brother left and now Susie left me too. This was when I decided I wouldn’t let anyone near me again.

I had several close friends, they would confide in me everything. This was how I preferred it, I always had the upper hand in the relationship, and I was emotionally detached and had a plethora of dirt I could use on them if they ever chose to pull a Susie.

This is a pattern I continued for the next three and a half years until somebody called me on it.

To be continued (but only if I feel like it)

Dear Loyal Reader,

Yes, I’m only addressing the one person who is reading, I’ve noticed a drastic drop in readership since I stopped posting super happy fun posts about being gay, but it’s my blog, so meh.

I’m having a very difficult time with the concept of having friends right now. It makes me feel kind of lost and slightly angry. I don’t want to go back to where I was a year ago, but I really don’t want to hurt anymore—Now I just need to decide if the possibility of pain is worth real friendship.

I did something scary yesterday, and no, it isn’t what you think.

I’m still kind of sad a lot.

I liked Samantha’s most recent post. A lot. It gave me a lot to think about

Moments of Growth pt one,

In November 2006 I did something very unlike me, I reached out to a friend and asked for a priesthood blessing. One of the things that was promised to me in the blessing was that as I developed a closer relationship with God, He would help me understand all of the things inside of me that were causing me conflict.

In a way I saw that happen last night.

As I knelt in prayer, He helped me put some pieces together:

About a month ago I began the journey of letting go of the idea of living a homosexual life. For the past year I used that as a crutch, I would fantasize about being with a man, either through pornography, or thinking about whoever the love of my life would be and fathering his children, imagining myself in someone’s arms. I found temporary peace in those thoughts.

As I began venturing away from those practices I did my very best to control my thoughts, and keep my mind off of the attractive males of the world. The problem was, I didn’t replace my old coping mechanism. I soon enough found a new one:

Thinking about ending my life.

Suicidal thoughts are somewhat new to me, and although they were somewhat shocking, they were surprisingly comfortable. If my world got too overwhelming I would slip into those thoughts, I found an incredible amount of comfort in imagining my life over. I was jolted quite alarmingly back into reality when Samantha and my mother spoke of my current thoughts. I was scared again. I knew I could never do that.

I was praying last night and I was made aware that I was using the suicidal thoughts the same way that I’d been using the homosexual fantasies. Ideally they both ended pain, they stopped the struggle, and they both made me feel happy in one way or the other.

Yesterday I felt the distinct impression that I need to give up the idea of using suicide as a way of solving my problems. I need to let that go just as I’ve let the idea of having a homosexual relationship go. This needs to be a decision I make every day: and to do that, I desperately need to find appropriate ways of coping.

I love the gospel of Jesus Christ, I love Him and am so grateful for those He has brought into my life to help me.

Not There Yet...

My life right now consists only of work, and trying different things to get me to a place where I can cope with what I'm going through.

I wish I could just get it right the first time, wouldn't that be nice?

I am me, and I have a lot of work to do, and I am beginning to be okay with that.

Happy Sunday

Harbor

I had a conversation with God last night. It’s been happening more lately, and I kind of like it. I’m glad I’m the only one in my apartment right now; otherwise my roommates would think I am crazy.

Last night we talked about me serving a mission, I’m kind of scared that I won’t be able to because of mental health reasons, along with the whole being morally clean thing. We talked about some ways of helping with that. He just said I have a long time to serve a mission.

I told Him that I was scared that the only people I’ve began to trust are leaving, or are planning on not being here for long. He understands, and He knows that it’s causing me some anxiety.

Towards the end of our conversation I told Him that I was sad and scared, and I didn’t want to think about dying anymore, and that I wanted to be happy. I then felt peace.

Today I felt okay. I didn’t think about dying, which is the first day in about two weeks that hasn’t happened, I got a hug from Skyblue Pink when she paid me a compliment, and work wasn’t too dreadful. I felt like I had some purpose, I felt like I had some peace.

since it's been kind of a long time...

I don't know why this one made me laugh... After I showed this to a friend she said

"You're unwell...And you know as well as I do that no guy would ever consider twice."

I have to be faster, maybe I’ll get there before the pain

On Saturday I met an old blogger friend from WAY back in the day, I invited her along to a MoHo gathering. Sounds like nothing out of the norm but this girl had no idea that I’m gay… or that Mormons could even be gay… awkward huh?

So after we had dinner at Costa Vida I told her about my “situation” on our way to the little get together. I prefaced it with the opportunity for me to take her home with the option to never call me again. She took it with a minor look of shock and then went to the party and totally owned it, she handled everything really well and held her own.

Although I’m not worried at all about my friendship with this person, being so open really is scaring me.

I’m also concerned about my blog. There are so many of you who actually know who I am personally, and it makes me really nervous that you’re reading that I’m not actually as put together as I pretend I am. Is it too much to try to keep a convincing mask?

I’ve been really honest here lately, I’m scared, I feel alone, I feel like I’m on the edge, I don’t like feeling like that, and I want a break from it. My mom told my [now] oldest brother that I’m gay, it’s weird…I don’t want to be around home … which is a real shame because I was getting along with my parents really well lately.

I’m very frustrated that I’m feeling this way: I was the one that nothing ever effected -I was strong, I kept going on even though the only connection to my family killed himself, I kept going when my brother was in and out of jail and stealing tens of thousands of dollars from my parents for drug money, I was the strong one…I’m not anymore.

Church

Had one of those, "It's true, and it's worth it" moments.

Those are always nice.

Transparent & Glasslike

I’m here again: fingers resting lightly on home row with nothing to type, feeling as if the bright glow of the LCD screen on my Macbook is laughing at me, sort of like how my friends laugh at me when I didn’t hear something they said, or when I can’t talk well late at night.

I’m feeling a disconnect between other bloggers and myself, which is probably why I haven’t felt the intense urge to blog as much as I have the past year. Along with the disconnect there is certainly a large amount of disinterest behind writing about my life everyday when I’m out actually having one.

A lot of people who have read my blog have expressed some concern, but things are going well. Any day that I haven’t posted I think is a good day, like Sunday.

On Sunday I made some breakfast with Roz, and went to church. I was happy and content, and then I saw a really adorable guy in my ward. He is cute, but not really my type. Anywho, when I feel like my life is falling apart the “pounce-tackle-hump throw down,” is pretty intense, but out of the feeling good blue sky I suddenly want to father the children of this guy I’m sitting next to in priesthood.

Anyway, instead of doing that I just read from his priesthood manual, I think I want to be his friend. I’m going to work on that.

Anyway, I guess what I’m saying is that life is okay, I’m generally happy. And if I’m not, I know it will pass eventually.

The Infinite Atonement

Man's needs, however onerous they may be, will never exhaust God's love, His supply is boundless.

Don't leave me here.

My words aren't working, I want to write endlessly but the words aren't forming sentences,then what is coming out doesn't make sense.

I do know a few things:

1. i'm broken
2. I'm really scared I'm going to be like this the rest of my life.
3. I think this kind of sucks.

in different, but not 100% completely unrelated news...

I miss my brother.

Closing Frightened Eyes

While At Work...

[written yesterday] Today while I was helping an elderly woman a young man walked up to my coworker and purchased In Quiet Desperation. I managed to say that it was a good book he was getting, nothing more. I really wanted to talk to him and let him know that he wasn't alone, give him the necessary contact information in case he needed some support, and to let him know that people are praying for him and love him. I never, ever want someone to feel as alone as I did. I can't help but feel like I failed.

Things Are Getting Better...

Last night was FHE the topic was great and the socializing was just as good. I love getting hugs from Sister Matis. More to come on that topic...maybe

Accepting the Ride
I'm still working every day on letting go of the option of a physical relationship with a man. The last few nights I've been dreaming of a few people I'm currently man-crushing [nothing dirty, you sickos] but this morning I remembered that letting go is an every day thing, it was the most liberating feeling.

The last few weeks I've been paying extra attention to what I'm feeling, tracking emotions on a daily basis. As you can probably tell there is dedfinitely a roller coaster that I'm on and I don't think I'll be able to get off of it for a while. One thing that I need to talk to Therapist about is evening out those dramatic lows. anyway...now I'm rambing.

I guess what I'm attempting to say, is that I'm willing to do the work to get me to a place where I'm not in so much pain, and I know it will be worthwhile.

1

That was it.

I finished reading Kira Kira just a few moments ago and one tear fell from my right eye, onto my nose and then onto the right leg of the pants I wore to church.

That hasn't happened in four years. I haven't actually felt a tear leave my eyes in four years. It made me feel human, it made me feel alive.

Hourglass

This afternoon is better. Yesterday was hell, all of last week was hell.

I worked for nearly ten hours yesterday, every once in a while I come to the conclusion that if I perform well enough at work that’s all that matters in my life. I did the best I’ve ever done yesterday, perfect smile, mingling, sharing thoughts from my favorite books. All the while I was dreading the night that was about to come and envying my friends. While I was at work I kept telling myself that every time I had a dramatic up-sell I was one step closer to feeling better about life and myself. It didn’t happen.

I left work a bit early to get ready for my old best friend’s wedding reception. When I was walking through the line I was greeted by her father who said (paraphrasing) that he wished I were the one his daughter was marrying, I continued smiling.

Sitting down at the table with my old friends and acquaintances, I continued the show: My friends were all laughing and thoroughly enjoying my company, even people I didn’t associate with were in rapture at my conversational abilities. I wanted to die.

Leaving the reception I was on a performance high, picked up one of my old friends that lived near were the reception was and we drove around. I came out to her, and emphasized how well I was doing, overcompensating I guess. Dropping her off I immediately needed something else to keep the panic from easing in; I sent a desperate text wondering if I could drop something by someone’s house and called someone, they weren’t home. No dice.

No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t keep myself from feeling last night. Do you know how frustrating it is for someone who has been so good for so long at keeping away any sort of emotion and to suddenly not be able to do it? Feeling alone, betrayed and beaten by my own friends and emotions I resigned myself to my apartment.

yes, that's it...you know the story, don't you?

There are volumes I cannot speak.
I just want someone to understand.

Page 44 Please

I'm currently re-reading The Bell Jar by the love of my life, Victoria Lucas, and I'd like to share a quote I hope you will all enjoy,

"There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends."

It made me really glad to not be living in trashy dorms in the heart of Salt Lake City anymore. I felt so bad for my roommate because he woke up so many times to the sound of me throwing up ten feet away from the bed in our bathroom. The first few times I would usually hear a knock followed by an, "Dude, Are you okay?" After a few times of me being horribly rude I began to turn on the shower, fan, sink faucet and then empty the contents of my stomach. That left my roommate dreaming of Korean women, rather than worrying about his retching roommate that was becoming far too acquainted with the benefits of regular abdominal workouts through vomiting

I miss my old ssg roommate.

anyway, the anxiety isn't even close to where it was before, so I haven't puked since the beginning of April. I hope it stays that way.

Now back to Esther Greenwood

Blessed be His Name

Romans 8:35-39

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.

Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

because I thought this was cool

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Fade to Grey

Saturday morning I woke up late, in a bad mood I checked a few blogs. I read one that isn’t the queerosphere announcing that a friend of mine had chosen to leave the church. I got kind of emotional and pity-party-ish phrases like, all of the emotions tying back into the feeling of loss since my brother’s death over four years ago. I got to work about 15 minutes late and made it through most of the morning with only offending a few of my coworkers.

By the afternoon I was feeling better, and by seven I was changing into my lavender shirt and my second favorite pair of jeans and decided to be alittle more adventurous than usual and I wore my Dolce and Gabanna cologne and headed off to The Macaroni Grill with a bunch of other mohos (By a Single Thread, The Original MoHomie, The Non-Blogger, Danish Boy, The New Kid, Tito, and myself). Dinner was fantastic; I once again filled up on their delicious bread instead of the food I ordered. Boo.

When we had our fill, and By a Single Thread flirted enough with our married waitress we went to Rock Canyon Park. There were some blocks of ice that hadn’t fully melted so there was some impromptu ice blocking which I, regretfully, didn’t participate in. We finished that with no broken bones, some very awkward pictures, and a few grass stains. We ended up watching The Illusionist.

I slept in on Sunday, but not as much as I would have liked. Sacrament meeting was good, and I felt the need to share my testimony briefly… which I did, in about 35 seconds. Sunday school wasn’t bad, and priesthood was almost unbearable, but I sat through the whole lesson. Someone from my ward even sent me a love note! She’s the ward chorister and really nice, I think I should try to be her friend.

I made a brief appearance at my aunt’s birthday party/family gathering and bolted up to Salt Lake to see By a Single Thread sing, but alas Danish Boy and I couldn’t find the place where he was performing so we just wasted a tank of gas driving around the valley and talking.

Anyway…it’s my day off today and I think I’m going to read some more of the Infinite Atonement, and consider going to my ward’s FHE. Ack, I really need to go grocery shopping.

Funny Things Roommates Say Pt 3

So, I just had an...interesting conversation with my roommate and his fiance.

Highlights include:

Talking about birth control which Roommate's Fiance is now on.
Her latest gynecological endeaver in which she received the new drugs, and the awkward vaginal examination from a large bearded man
and also her vaginal expander.

...

which she proudly showed me.


Then she said to her soon-to-be lover, "I don't think this is going to be big enough."

So much to blog about. I'm too tired to actually blog about it.

But here's my desperate plea, it's my aunt's birthday family gathering...I need a date--anyone of the female persuasion want to meet my awful family tomorrow around 5 PM?

Second Star to the Right

What have I been doing lately? Working, procrastinating doing laundry, I haven't done dishes in a really long time but engaged roommate #1 is wicked nice and does them for me. I owe him. I've also been hanging out with The Girl Whose Blogging Name is Yet to be Determined who seems to have settled on Michelle in her last comment on my blog, her best friend, and The New Kid the past few nights.

Tuesday Night while Tito and the Original MoHomie went to a movie that they didn't invite us to [no, i'm not bitter.], we went to a park swung on some swings, watched Michelle's friend spin around on a bar, then we climbed a tree. I haven't climbed a tree in so long, and I think it was actually The New Kid's first time doing it. I do have one minor battle would, er...scratch from the tree climbing excursion. [Sidenote: I don't get hurt. It's weird, I think it's maybe that I never, ever do anything that'd cause pain but I have never broken a bone either. hmph, moving on]

Wednesday night we watched a movie at Michelle's house, and I totally got some cuddling action from her.

anyway, i need to do laundry wicked bad, clean my bedroom, figure out if I'm buying a certain old, trashy car that doesn't fit my personality at all, and make some cinnamon rolls.

Exchange No. 10

I mentioned this in my most recent post, but right now I'm thinking a great deal on the love that God has for us. I’ve felt that I could disobey the commandments of the gospel of Christ, or I could abide peacefully in them—He’d love me no matter what. He does love me perfectly, as He does all of us.



I mentioned in my post Letting Go about how scared I am do actually distance myself from the idea of ever having a boyfriend, the idea is terrifying. Since I’ve been mulling it over I’ve come to a few conclusions.

1. This is a decision I’ll have to make every single day of my life.
2. I’ll need to focus on Christ and His gospel instead of the church.
3. I need to learn how to make and keep healthy relationships.
4. Breathe and take things one day at a time.

Am I ready? Can I really do this?

Letting go

Is it possible? For the last year and a half I've been sitting on the fence feigning commitment to Him and keeping the option to date men open in case that whole "Jesus" thing doesn't work out. The pain of indecision is seeming to be more than the pain of actually letting go, so I must be getting close to be getting to that point

I've had some incredible spiritual experiences the last few weeks. Not because I've seen angels, or conversed with God face to face, but because I've felt that Christ is real, has a special interest in me and those that I love. I've felt that the Atonement can cover what I've done and He can heal the pain that I've felt.

So, what is the process of letting go of even the possibility of dating a man? How can I make a decision like that permanent?

More will come later...

Although the weekend ended a day early for me, it was incredible. Exactly what I needed.

More to come, if I feel like writing about it.

Put Sufjan Stevens on...

I'm so bad at blogging, seriously. It's getting kind of pathetic.

So I've just been looking into the screen on my laptop, begging my fingers to type something and yet they've only pounded out many typos and a few trite sentences on Stephalumpaguseses' new chacos, the fact that The New Kid was kind enough to take me 'running' yesterday, and that I bought some shorts yesterday at AE then quit my second job. I also tried to type out that I learned how to drive a stick shift and The New Girl whose blogging name is yet to be determined was the first person to have to drive in it with me. I killed it attempting a U-turn when I dropped her off. So it wasn't that bad. . .

but alas, I'm bad at blogging.

One day soon I'll post something worthwhile

I'm not in the mood...

For blogging that is--so you're going to get one of those superficial "here's what I'm doing with life" kind of posts.

And AGirlWho broke up with me on facebook. I'm not bitter

SATURDAY:

Stephalumpagus, Satine and I went up the waterfall in Provo Canyon. Satine and I did this all the time last summer with another friend that I can't remember her blogging identity right now [man, i'm a bad friend] poor stephalumpagus only wore flip flops which was a really bad idea on her part...although i didn't explain we'd actually be ascending the waterfall, not just climbing the trail.

afterwards we met up with the Drex crowd and I watched a bunch of gay man, and their token straight girl play frisbee, it was freaking hilarious.

By a Single Thread called me, I ditched the party and went to dinner with him. Chili's. I drank too much Dr Pepper and couldn't finish my food, it was delicious though. Sitting on the other side of the partition was a girl I went to high school with on a date with a woman. I wanted to say something but she doesn't remember me--I decided against saying hi and mentioning how I was connected to the family that's disowned her.

Chili's was packed with good looking guys so after we were finished we decided to get out, and we went to walk around Rock Canyon Park and saw some random date group ice blocking, it looked ridiculously reckless and horribly entertaining.

By a Signle Thread left and I headed up to the Original Mohomie's place, we ate ice cream, and looked at baby pictures.

SUNDAY:

I slept in and read, didn't go to church. I also learned how to drive a stick shift.

Monday:

The New Kid and I went to SLC, got some Costa Vida and met a bunch of [old] people within the Family History Library. Then we drove back to Provo through Park City [do you know how many freaking times it took me to type 'Park City' correctly?] It was beautiful yesterday the clouds were going over the mountains, the sun breaking through the clouds in a freaking amazing sunset. So I called Satine again and with The New Kid we went up to the waterfall, except we used the trail since it was kind of cold yesterday. It was amazing up there, it's one of my favorite places in Prozac valley.

In Other News...

I finished New Moon, the sequel to Twilight and I'm anxiously awaiting the third book to come out in August.

I'm reading The Bell Jar again, which is one of my favorite books.

I'm also out of shampoo and my Aquage Transforming Hair Paste

Yesterday I got the Pineapple Mango wallflower from bath and Body works. I am really loving citrus right now.

okay. I'm done. Time to ...get out of bed. Gee, I'm pathetic.

Ugly

I feel digusting and worthless tonight.

I'm pissed at most of God's children of the female persuasion. Thank God I'm not sexually attracted to y'all.

Work was miserable today/tonight.

Needing to take some time off, but I can't--i need to buy a new car...

damn. Today just sucked.

jealous

Roommate and his fiance are listening to that horribly romantic Howie Day song, Collide.

In revenge I turned on Ani DiFranco.



This is my favorite Ani song ever..well maybe not ever, Superhero is up there. but this one is incredible... So to all the men who only enjoy B.Spears, Rihanna, and Celine enjoy the healthy dose of lesbian+guiar.

The Journey

This blog has followed my life quite closely, in what I have done, thought, and because my memory rarely fails me, i'm reminded of what I haven't written about when I read the lies that I've typed out because I was too afraid of myself to write what was really happening.

Today I realized that where I am now is better than where I was a year ago--even though I am not currently temple recomment worthy, even though the longings I feel are more intense than ever, I am in a better place.

It seems that everyone who starts on the path of reconciling their beliefs with incongruous feelings have stages they pass through... I know I don't have the stages documented fully or correctly but from what I've experienced.

1. Wo is me. I'm gay. and mormon. wo. (ages 12 to...ummmm first part of January '06)

2. YAY! I'm gay AND Mormon! How AWESOME is THAT?! Ps, you need to read In Quiet Desperation...One day I'll meet Ty--How crazy will that be?! PS...if Ty Mansfield ever stumbles accross this blog...can we...like meet or something? I'm your biggest fan, and I heard you were wicked cute.

3. What the hell! I'm actually gay? ...dang that sucks. Apparently with being gay you are sort of attracted not just people of the male persuasion, but people you know of the male persuasion like your friends. Suddenly I found myself wanting to do things I swore I'd never do to people that I'd spoken of very spiritual things with, yet wanting to rip their clothes off... *sigh*

4. Depression , daily routine, negative coping techniques, and apostate thoughts...Throw in getting a boyfriend [on some level] then find out that physical relationships are really satisfying...for about 2.37 seconds.

5. We're at stage five now. I can't figure this one out, it seems mixed in with all of them now. The lines are more blurred than ever. Take last night for example: I was in bed, feeling extremely anxious and just wishing someone would crawl in with me and hold me until I fell asleep. It was nearly 5 AM when I closed my eyes for a few short hours. But the entire time I was craving that touch I knew that I would better in the morning. It was a strangely beautiful moment sitting in my bed and fully acknowledging both sides, knowing the consequences of both options.

I'm somewhere at the beginning of the 5th stage, not having been there I don't know what else has to happen to get to the point where I'm able to handle it all much more easily. I know there will be backtracking, reworking things, especially getting the pornography use under control [control meaning elimination not just regulation ;-)] and becoming physically healthy.


Okay, that's enough for this morning, I am kinda crazy busy so I need to finish this, sorry I'm not even reading through this so it will make much less sense than usual...

PS...my car is almost dead, it lost it's ability to reverse, I think I might finally be getting a new car in a month or so...

4.

Twilight

Remember last October when the book club chose to read Twilight? [silent moment for the now dead book club] did anyone else develop a crush on Edward Cullen?

I'm kind of ...er...attached.

Funny things roommates say pt 2

"Hey, AtP--get your swimsuit, we're going to shower together tonight!"


in other news...there is a gay kid in my ward. Has anyone noticed that P-town is freaking crawling with gay people?

Dangerous

I type this a few days ago and put it in my secret blog, I'm working on being more honest and open. It's confusing but I think it needs to go into the world in it's undoneness

Truth: I don't know how to have a healthy relationship, especially with males--it's been suggested, and it's horribly true that when the possibility of sexual relations ends I usually abandon the friendship. I don't invest anything in them, even if that possibility is completely subconscious.

I did something horribly emotionally manipulative last night.

Realizations: I felt, for the first time last night that being a friend of mine was completely dangerous, and that people shouldn't get near me because I'm contaminated and will ruin their lives. I really hate feeling like this because only two days ago I was feeling like a real human being. It's pathetic.

Samantha sent me an email on Sunday and it's resonating more than ever.

'"And now the year of my redeemed is come; and they shall mention the loving kindness of their Lord, and all that he has bestowed upon them according to his goodness, and according to his loving kindness, forever and ever.

In all their afflictions he was afflicted. And the angel of his presence saved them; and in his love, and in his pity, he redeemed them, and bore them, and carried them all the days of old." D&C 133:52-53

There are days when I really wish Christ would come. Not because I'm ready or prepared, because I don't think that day will ever come--but because it would be nice, sometimes to be with the one who knows all that I've done, felt any pain that I've felt, and who knows my heart--and loves me anyway."

One day Christ will be here and I'll know what it's like to have someone love me unconditionally, i won't be a threat to Him, and I won't hurt him because I'm me, I can't harm him because I just don't know how to have a healthy friendship. that day will be beautiful.

Your Local Inspirational Bookstore: Back In Action

Some of you may recognize this book [sorry about the quality, the only camera i had with me was my cell camera] as Elder Nelson's The Gateway We Call death.

Some of you might also recognize that the black little smudge is a dead fly--the bug his untimely death when it was lamenated between the layers of the jacket.

I've never laughed so hard at work.

Feeling Whole.

I felt whole, and worthwhile for the first time tonight in about a month. The voices of dissent in my head calmed and I was able to, as someone said in the opening prayer to gain the perspective that I needed to make it for just a while longer.

I'm sure some of you have noticed that my blog has been somewhat down lately, and have noticed that the spiritual thoughts have been almost non existent, a direct reflection of what was going on inside of me. And I'm sure for those of you who are close to me could tell that the light of the gospel hasn't burned as bright inside of me as it used to...because I could feel it dimming and the hopelessness set in.

After therapy I came back to my apartment, got in the shower and just stood there... after a few moments I said, "I don't want to do this anymore." That was only the latest cry in the series of, "Why am I doing this to myself, please tell me this is true, if this is true why aren't more people holding on more firmly?"

"Hang on for tonight, and go to FHE."

Reasonable enough, right? I've been holding on almost 20 years [can anyone tell I look forward to turning 20?] I could surely do it for one more night.

It seemed that the speaker at tonight's FHE/Fireside knew what I needed to hear. Everything I've been working through was addressed in the most appropriate way. From issues regarding the truthfulness to the gospel, to trials and challenges in general, and from a question asked by my mom peace about the death of my brother.

Brother Millet stressed the point that, as Elder Holland said, "The most significant sign of your progress on this journey is not so much your location on the path at the moment, but rather the direction in which you are moving."

He also brought up a point that I need to think more about, he mentioned that as we become more like our Savior and learn to love more like He does, our suffering will increase.

Anyway, I received answers tonight and the strength to place one foot in front of the other for a few moments longer. I'm going to be able to fall asleep tonight in peace and with full knowledge that the storm can and most likely will start up again while I'm sleeping, but for now I feel safe, whole, and worthy to be called a son of God

one year

It's been one year this week since I...

met the first person dealing with SSA that was striving to live the gospel

...came out to my parents

...put my mission papers in

and met brother and sister matis.

Having Options

Towards the end of October 2006 I was jealous. I had been communicating with several people, learning more about them and how they’ve dealt with the issue, and when I learned of past transgressions I was jealous. I wanted to be able to experience that too and be able to bounce back stronger than ever.

This, as you can imagine, caused a great deal of angst.

After a few conversations with good friends, some time on my knees I got an answer I didn’t think I’d ever get from my Father in Heaven, “AtP, [yes, God often calls me by my blogging acronym] you can do whatever you wish to do. This is YOUR choice: not Samantha’s, or Tito’s, or anyone else’s. It is only yours. Just know that if you choose to leave the gospel I can’t bless you as much as I want.

Has anyone else wet their pants because they just got a scary answer from God? A whole world was open to me. I had options! I could choose how many blessings I would receive in this life. I was responsible for the happiness I’d have in this life and more so in the next…that’s freaking scary!

Since then I’ve sat in this awful fence-sitting predicament. I’m hoping it ends soon.

I like lists

1. The Vienna Teng concert was incredible. Thank you Original MoHomie for getting me a ticket

2. church today was kind of lame, I was late...it started at 1 pm.

3. Thank you Samantha for sending me the Scripture of the day.

4. I'm still having difficulty adjusting to life in Prozac Valley

5. Practice makes perfect--I'm hoping one day they'll make "Saying Offensive Yet Hilarious Things In Front of BYU Students" an olympic sport.

6. I want to really blog tomorrow, and I'm hoping it will happen...my brain hasn't been cooperating lately

7. The CES fireside was a lot of fun.

8. I cuddled with Stephalumpagus while watching Finding Neverland. I like cuddling.

9. I miss living near By a Single Thread and El V. I also miss the Taj Ma- By-A-Single-Thread. It sort of sucks.

10. I thought my roommate was cute until I saw him shirtless...he has manboobs.

.

I started laughing really hard last night at 3 AM.

wonder why?

I was in a car with three other gay guys, listening to Chinese pop/hip hop driving through the heart of mormondom at a ridiculous hour of the morning.

You'd think I'd be used to this...guess not.

..: :..

"Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe"

Right now I think I'm just on autopilot. I miss life in Salt Lake, yet I know there is a reason I felt like I had to move back. I'm just confused.

There is this increasing portion inside of me that is begging for a closer relationship with God, and of course the other side of me that really just wants to believe fully in the absence of deity. Ha, if the old women who buy books from me only knew the dichotomy going inside of the person raving about how inspirational that particular title they're buying is. Can anyone say fraud?

I guess I can say I'm trying, right?

There's a lot to do this summer, and it's terrifying...

But here's this amazing quote that has been floating around the queerosphere as of late...


"Hang on, hope on, try on. ... Get through the night; get to the light. ... I believe in that light, and I believe in that hope, and I believe in that peace."

I once was a draft, but now I'm published pt1

(From Sunday morning) I’m sitting on the couch in my new apartment with my Clean and Pore Cleansing Mask on thumbing through a book, and listening to music before I get ready for church. For some reason my thoughts have been turned towards the last year of my life and the promises God has made me, the small stirrings of the Spirit that I’ve felt, and generally the love that He, the Author of Our Salvation, has for us.

I remember when I finally believed I was worthy of the love of God.

I remember when I was sitting in the baptistery of the Salt Lake Temple my thoughts had been turned to Him and the plan of salvation when I felt the very distinct impression, “This is so much more rewarding than being with a man.”

One month later I had my first gay kiss—there is my problem, I don’t trust the person I know who has the power to save me. Now I’m to a point where I know how [physically] rewarding a homosexual relationship can be, and I’m having a hard time leaving the middle ground that, albeit painful, is ever so comfortable and feels safe.

Another moment happened a few months ago when I was at By a Single Thread’s house visiting. I was looking around and felt yet another impression that I’ve previously blogged about, “AtP, one day you will be happy.”

The moments of complete and total peace like those I’ve mentioned above haven’t been as frequent as I would like, but I can’t deny that they have been there and they have divine origin.

(Typed tonight)

I have all of these thoughts and ridiculously general feelings that I was attempting to communicate with this partially written post and I can’t get it out, I can’t get my mind around what I’m trying to say—so frustrating. So I’m going to publish this post, and try to sleep.

Funny Things Roommates Say:

"AtP, Don't let a woman change you!"

I busted up laughing, it was highly entertaining. Although I'm sure they thought I was slightly mental.

and there's now a fussball table in my kitchen....again. *le sigh*

PS. I'm a social freaking retard when it comes to conversing with straight guys... I need to work on that.

Since By a Single Thread posted “Effing Plague,” I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind about how much pain homosexuality is causing.

My family for instance: my oldest brother was gay. That was, what I believe, my family’s first experience with an openly homosexual person. I found out when I was eight, but can remember instances where my brother talked about it when I was about 6. I told a few people when I was younger about my brother’s orientation at school, some overheard me and a few people relentlessly mocked me because I had gay brother. My parents had no idea what to do or handle the issue and I know it caused them incredible amounts of pain.

By a Single Thread wrote very honestly about what many of us go through. Tonight I’ve been wondering if there is a better way than just ignoring what we’re going through. There must be some fulfillment we can achieve in this life. There must be.

Moments are occurring more frequently in my life where I feel like I ‘m too far-gone, I can feel that this is wrong but those feelings are there nonetheless.

It’s past 5 am, and I can’t sleep, but I can’t think or write well…mostly because of the really long nap I took this evening. Anyway, so I’m going to publish this just so I can say I blogged…hopefully I’ll be more coherent later.

...

Wow, what a day.

It’s been horrifically long, and I’m wicked tired.

I miss seeing the Salt Lake Temple every time I walked outside, I using a magnetic key card to get into my apartment; I miss By a Single Thread and his freaking adorable dog.

But life moves on and I start working again tomorrow, which is barely enough time to unpack. I also see therapist tomorrow, I’m thinking his idea of taking a little break from gay culture will be nice. I’m most likely going to try it out.

I’m glad I’m closer to the mountains and that I’ll be working a lot more, I know I’ll whine about it later, but going up two and a half flights of stairs will make I’m more active.

I found ballroom dance trophies in my new apartment.

I think I’m going to go to sleep now.

Ugh

I don't want to move.

There, I said it. Right now the only thing P-town has going for is a better job[s] and better looking mountains.

Therefore I'm reluctantly packing.

Baby Announcement!!!!

I just got off the phone with Ken Gobiddles; Barbie just gave birth to Marko at 6:36 to their second child. He is 7 pounds, 3 ounces and 20.5 inches long.

Things really aren't okay

Hey kids, I still don’t know of what I should really be writing about in this blog anymore. I could write about all the fun I’ve been having with friends; going out to fun places to eat, having stimulating conversation, or i could talk about the purchases I’ve made recently, or my up and coming move, or how happy I am that school is almost over for the most part, but I can’t.



I’m feeling absolutely hideous right now, completely messed up and defective. No matter what I do I can’t fake it long enough to convince myself that I’m a happy functioning normal person.

Friday I woke up late, walked over to my English class and handed some papers to my group and said I wouldn’t be able to finish the group project for them and that I’ve had a bad week and expect a busy and messed up weekend. They were pissed but I just walked away.

People ask how I’m doing, I don’t know what to say except my normal response which is to smile and say everything is great...when that I happens I usually send out a desperate plea with my eyes trying to tell them that not everything is really okay. I’ve been faking it for so long, feigning pleasantries and trying not to burden others with my angst. I don’t know how to be honest with those around me.

My cuddle impulse has kicked in, I keep feeling the, “I just want to be able to fall asleep in someone’s arms and then I’ll feel better… I just want to be held” why can’t I be perfect? Why can’t I just get over this and just be fine with who I am and be independent?

I think I need a really long hug.

coming out

starting in February 2006 I started coming out to my friends, the first was Roz, then Lawyer Friend, and then I slowly told others in my life...barring my best friends from high school.

There's still a very large group of people who were very important in my life who don't know about me. I keep them away because being gay is kind of a big deal and it's very difficult for me to even clue them in on what i'm doing because it's hard to explain without telling them that I am a homosexual.

sorry about this post, i'm just thinking about who I used to be, how much I've changed and also thinking about all the people I've left.

I need to go to bed before I write anything else that doesn't make sense.

Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets in and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why

too [insert word here] to actually blog. soon though...soon.

Today...

I just want to watch movies all day, curled up a little ball.

can I? Please?

Things worthy of mentioning

1. this awesome SMBC comic


2. Your Local Inspirational Bookstore sells some pretty amazing caramels. They helped me get through a slightly lame lesson at By a Single Thread's ward yesterday.

3. Roommate is moving today! I get my dorm to myself for the rest of the semester. Finally! No more random hairs in the microwave...okay that only happened once, but it was disgusting.

4. Speaking of the end of the semester I only have 10 days until I'm moving. Sad, but I think it might be a good thing, although living Up North has been great to seperate myself a little from the rather intense moho-ness of Ptown.

5. Ren and Stimpy *cough* Tito *cough cough* had a little get together Saturday night and we played Apples to Apples, I won.

6. I took about a five hour nap yesterday. I'm so rested right now I actually feel like I can do some homework. I might actually take advantage of this feeling and try to finish my Book of Mormon final.

7. Kelly Clarkson's new single is out, not as good as Behind These Hazel Eyes, but I'm a fan.

8. El Veneno moved out of the state recently and moved in with an awkward LDS guy, I got this text from good ol' El V last night "I saw a paper on my rommate's desk listing girls who smiled at him at church. It went back several months and has notes like "Too tall." Now he's talking to himself. Ikes." I think living with By a Single Thread was a better deal, I'm sure he didn't talk to himself.

Things That Suck...

Placing your favorite belt inside one of your favorite shoes, then your favorite cologne in the other. Then putting those shoes on the top of your, forgetting about them, and driving away.

Total replacement cost $280.00ish dollars

*cries a little inside*

In other news I hate most seminary teachers for they are relentlessly cheap and love to abuse the Deseret Book return policy. Those (expletive delete)

And...I tried some Versace cologne since I lost mine, it's amazing--my next fragrance purchase has been decided. I mean, I want myself when I wear this stuff. *drool*

I don't have much to say right now since I'm not able to really put into words with I'm feeling accurately, but I hope this image will suffice.

I'm so tired.

Has anyone noticed that Pink looks like a really scary drag queen

The pain of indecision, almost too much to handle, will eventually push me into accepting the love that Christ has for me. I have a feeling that the next few months will be the deciding factor of much of my life to come.

Ouch.

Eye in the Sky has been out here parytin' it up for his spring break. Last Thursday he came over to my apartment after leaving the temple, and asked if he could borrow some normal clothes. So I handed him my fat jeans, which aren't really big--they just don't fit me as well as they used to, and a button up shirt. He comes out of the bathroom and the first thing he says to El-Veneno and I is, "These clothes make me feel *so* gay."

They weren't even my gay clothes!

In other news, Happy Easter!

The End is in Sight!

Yes! My Book of Mormon teacher announced last night that the 18th would be our last class, and the 19th is the last day for Eng 270 (Film) class I'm SO FREAKING EXCITED!!!!!!

I'm moving back down to P-town as soon as I can, I still need to find a place to live, and my parents are (once again) helping with the finances. They're obnoxious, but kind.

So, all I have to do is go to the next two weeks of class, and write a few more papers (two for film--extra credit, one for psychology--Who Do I Admire...I'm thinking of Writing that one on Samantha...or Tito...I don't know... and then one for my intro english class)

AND I'm getting my old job back at Your Local Inspirational Bookstore. sweet action.

This must be a joke

While listening to the remixed version of Turn Off the Light by the love of my life, Nelly Furtado I came across this picture from the Juno Awards show.

This is too painful for words... I don't know what to say.

There’s been a change. The latter part of last week almost had me in tears. I feel bad for Eye in the Sky who had to sit next to me during the Saturday morning session of conference. I said nasty mean things and Samantha had to sit me down and we ended up talking about what was going on. I went to priesthood alone, and luckily was in the overflow of a stake center where there weren’t any distractions. Men in white shirts and ties make me flustered.

During the priesthood session this confusion and tumult was getting to an unbearable point. I tried dissecting my emotions, analyzing them, asking myself why I was feeling that way.

I did the only thing I knew that would help, and I feel so much better.

It was extremely late Saturday night, but I know what I felt. For the first time since before October I felt that the Atonement could actually work for me, that I’m not a wretched person that Christ doesn’t love.

Usually these feelings of hope, comfort, and joy only last a few hours, then I see an attractive person and I’m feeling all wiggly inside again. Today, perhaps only today I felt different about that. Samantha and I were invited to go and talk to Wicked-Cute Married Gay Guy and his ridiculously cute and nice wife. It was a lot of fun, and they chatted away about mixed-orientation marriages. Let’s just say that this one hit me upside the head like a big yellow school bus. I stayed quiet for most of the time because I didn’t know what to say or how to act. After we left I told Samantha that I was kind of all distracted and slightly pained. Instead of escaping into fantasy like I normally do in situations like this to ease the messed-up feelings I just sort of felt these out and came to realize that nothing is going to happen, and I chose to sort of just let it be and move on.

Although I can’t take full credit for this, I was immediately distracted at FHE which is an entirely different post all together. I’m sensing a huge opportunity in the next couple of weeks to be able to learn a lot about how I tick. And I’m thinking having the contest going is going to be able to keep me to reverting back to the really useless coping mechanism. I’m sensing a lot of self-improvement coming on. It’s exciting… PS I know this is just me being manic. But it’s nice to be motivated occasionally.

Conference Weekend pt1

Samantha is out here this weekend again, and we’re having fun. I gave Tabitha some Fruit Gushers and we ate mashed potato bowls from KFC. Deep conversations ensued

The reason why I haven’t updated for a while is I’ve been writing in my wicked secret blog, …that’s never a good sign.

I’m very grateful for friends who are willing and able to give me a blessing when I need one. The past few days have been very difficult and I didn’t know what to do. I felt so trapped I had to reach out to someone, and I’m finally feeling peace…something I haven’t felt since before Christmas. Comfort, peace and joy. For the first time in quite awhile I didn’t plan an escape route when I entered a room, I laughed for the first time in a few days too…. really laughed. I heard a lot of things that I needed to hear, namely, God loves me, and this is something that I have a particularly difficult time accepting… mostly because of that pesky self-worth issue that I have.

I'm lucky

I’ve been really contemplative today. I couldn’t bring myself to go to class today, I didn’t go outside until after four. Samantha called me, and we talked about almost everything for an hour and a half. I love her. I spent the rest of my day writing posts for my secret blog.

When it comes to lessons essential for me to learn I’m pathetically slow, but today I’m coming to terms with the fact that people care for me, worry about me, and love me. I still believe that I’m not worth loving. As much as I don’t want to acknowledge it, that may, in fact, be a fallacy.

The most prominent reason why I don’t want to believe I’m worth loving is that means I may actually have to thrive, grow, and become someone better than who I am. That’s terrifying!

But I stood back for a moment and took everything in: I had one of the most amazing people call me today and we just talked, through that conversation I learned that other people care and are concerned for me, tonight I got a burned CD with some great music from By a Single Thread and a much needed hug and a text message just making sure I was okay.

I’m really scared. Things may be getting messy, or may be getting better, I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m going to face tomorrow, although I do know that I’ll have people who love me and who will be with me every step of the way.

I guess I’m lucky I have so many people who love and care for me. I’m lucky that there are people who have and will invest so much energy into helping me. One day I’ll be free from all of this pain and crap I am going through right now, I’ll be free from my unhealthy coping mechanisms and it will be because of the help I received from those who love me.

Holi!

AgirlWho... and I walking up to the Hare Krishna temple in Spanish Fork.



You can't see the flames because I was too far back, but they just lit the demon on fire--the colored chalk was everywhere





I'll upload some more later tonight when I have the time, and Agirlwho puts hers up on facebook.

Hold tight, it is just beginning

It happened again, I woke up feeling messed up, worthless, and broken. I don’t like feeling like this at all. I got in the shower and went to Elders Quorum, and left ten minutes later.

I was with Samantha last weekend, since then we’ve talked a little about finding a counselor for me, then she said something that sort of just made me cringe, “Don’t hide behind being gay.”

I know most of my issues don’t come from being gay, that’s just the way most of them are manifested. For me I don’t have issues with being gay, I have other ones that I still don’t know what they are. I’m experiencing some sort of stress and suddenly I want to jump the nearest guy—I’ve done it too. It doesn’t solve anything.

I have unhealthy coping mechanisms. Masturbation and porn, those are given, I’ve been addicted to porn since I was 12 and things got so much worse after my brother died. I was in a very unhealthy co-dependent relationship for a while, I’m still reeling from the pain I inflicted on myself, when I decided to break that off I didn’t eat any real food for a week. Oh, did I mention I was hypoglycemic? I got around that nasty little fall back by eating 1.5 pounds of starbursts, 2 bags of the suckers with the gum in the middle, and some chocolate just to sustain my glucose level enough I didn’t pass out (oh, by the way, It’s been since December that I’ve weighed myself, I lost 15 pounds in the matter of two weeks and I’m terrified to find out if I have lost any more weight.) As stereotypical as it seems I’ve used shopping as a crutch, and now I’m in some really obnoxious financial situations.

People keep telling me I can’t do this alone, but I don’t know how else to do it, I don’t know how to have people help me. I keep thinking about it, over and over again. I spent last Friday thinking about how to open up. I can’t figure out how to do it. Am I stupid? How is it that someone doesn’t know how to ask for help, or even know how to allow someone to help them?

Stay tuned for a post from Holi, I had a really good time at the festival, I’ll be posting pictures hopefully later today.