Harbor

I had a conversation with God last night. It’s been happening more lately, and I kind of like it. I’m glad I’m the only one in my apartment right now; otherwise my roommates would think I am crazy.

Last night we talked about me serving a mission, I’m kind of scared that I won’t be able to because of mental health reasons, along with the whole being morally clean thing. We talked about some ways of helping with that. He just said I have a long time to serve a mission.

I told Him that I was scared that the only people I’ve began to trust are leaving, or are planning on not being here for long. He understands, and He knows that it’s causing me some anxiety.

Towards the end of our conversation I told Him that I was sad and scared, and I didn’t want to think about dying anymore, and that I wanted to be happy. I then felt peace.

Today I felt okay. I didn’t think about dying, which is the first day in about two weeks that hasn’t happened, I got a hug from Skyblue Pink when she paid me a compliment, and work wasn’t too dreadful. I felt like I had some purpose, I felt like I had some peace.

since it's been kind of a long time...

I don't know why this one made me laugh... After I showed this to a friend she said

"You're unwell...And you know as well as I do that no guy would ever consider twice."

I have to be faster, maybe I’ll get there before the pain

On Saturday I met an old blogger friend from WAY back in the day, I invited her along to a MoHo gathering. Sounds like nothing out of the norm but this girl had no idea that I’m gay… or that Mormons could even be gay… awkward huh?

So after we had dinner at Costa Vida I told her about my “situation” on our way to the little get together. I prefaced it with the opportunity for me to take her home with the option to never call me again. She took it with a minor look of shock and then went to the party and totally owned it, she handled everything really well and held her own.

Although I’m not worried at all about my friendship with this person, being so open really is scaring me.

I’m also concerned about my blog. There are so many of you who actually know who I am personally, and it makes me really nervous that you’re reading that I’m not actually as put together as I pretend I am. Is it too much to try to keep a convincing mask?

I’ve been really honest here lately, I’m scared, I feel alone, I feel like I’m on the edge, I don’t like feeling like that, and I want a break from it. My mom told my [now] oldest brother that I’m gay, it’s weird…I don’t want to be around home … which is a real shame because I was getting along with my parents really well lately.

I’m very frustrated that I’m feeling this way: I was the one that nothing ever effected -I was strong, I kept going on even though the only connection to my family killed himself, I kept going when my brother was in and out of jail and stealing tens of thousands of dollars from my parents for drug money, I was the strong one…I’m not anymore.

Church

Had one of those, "It's true, and it's worth it" moments.

Those are always nice.

Transparent & Glasslike

I’m here again: fingers resting lightly on home row with nothing to type, feeling as if the bright glow of the LCD screen on my Macbook is laughing at me, sort of like how my friends laugh at me when I didn’t hear something they said, or when I can’t talk well late at night.

I’m feeling a disconnect between other bloggers and myself, which is probably why I haven’t felt the intense urge to blog as much as I have the past year. Along with the disconnect there is certainly a large amount of disinterest behind writing about my life everyday when I’m out actually having one.

A lot of people who have read my blog have expressed some concern, but things are going well. Any day that I haven’t posted I think is a good day, like Sunday.

On Sunday I made some breakfast with Roz, and went to church. I was happy and content, and then I saw a really adorable guy in my ward. He is cute, but not really my type. Anywho, when I feel like my life is falling apart the “pounce-tackle-hump throw down,” is pretty intense, but out of the feeling good blue sky I suddenly want to father the children of this guy I’m sitting next to in priesthood.

Anyway, instead of doing that I just read from his priesthood manual, I think I want to be his friend. I’m going to work on that.

Anyway, I guess what I’m saying is that life is okay, I’m generally happy. And if I’m not, I know it will pass eventually.

The Infinite Atonement

Man's needs, however onerous they may be, will never exhaust God's love, His supply is boundless.

Don't leave me here.

My words aren't working, I want to write endlessly but the words aren't forming sentences,then what is coming out doesn't make sense.

I do know a few things:

1. i'm broken
2. I'm really scared I'm going to be like this the rest of my life.
3. I think this kind of sucks.

in different, but not 100% completely unrelated news...

I miss my brother.

Closing Frightened Eyes

While At Work...

[written yesterday] Today while I was helping an elderly woman a young man walked up to my coworker and purchased In Quiet Desperation. I managed to say that it was a good book he was getting, nothing more. I really wanted to talk to him and let him know that he wasn't alone, give him the necessary contact information in case he needed some support, and to let him know that people are praying for him and love him. I never, ever want someone to feel as alone as I did. I can't help but feel like I failed.

Things Are Getting Better...

Last night was FHE the topic was great and the socializing was just as good. I love getting hugs from Sister Matis. More to come on that topic...maybe

Accepting the Ride
I'm still working every day on letting go of the option of a physical relationship with a man. The last few nights I've been dreaming of a few people I'm currently man-crushing [nothing dirty, you sickos] but this morning I remembered that letting go is an every day thing, it was the most liberating feeling.

The last few weeks I've been paying extra attention to what I'm feeling, tracking emotions on a daily basis. As you can probably tell there is dedfinitely a roller coaster that I'm on and I don't think I'll be able to get off of it for a while. One thing that I need to talk to Therapist about is evening out those dramatic lows. anyway...now I'm rambing.

I guess what I'm attempting to say, is that I'm willing to do the work to get me to a place where I'm not in so much pain, and I know it will be worthwhile.

1

That was it.

I finished reading Kira Kira just a few moments ago and one tear fell from my right eye, onto my nose and then onto the right leg of the pants I wore to church.

That hasn't happened in four years. I haven't actually felt a tear leave my eyes in four years. It made me feel human, it made me feel alive.

Hourglass

This afternoon is better. Yesterday was hell, all of last week was hell.

I worked for nearly ten hours yesterday, every once in a while I come to the conclusion that if I perform well enough at work that’s all that matters in my life. I did the best I’ve ever done yesterday, perfect smile, mingling, sharing thoughts from my favorite books. All the while I was dreading the night that was about to come and envying my friends. While I was at work I kept telling myself that every time I had a dramatic up-sell I was one step closer to feeling better about life and myself. It didn’t happen.

I left work a bit early to get ready for my old best friend’s wedding reception. When I was walking through the line I was greeted by her father who said (paraphrasing) that he wished I were the one his daughter was marrying, I continued smiling.

Sitting down at the table with my old friends and acquaintances, I continued the show: My friends were all laughing and thoroughly enjoying my company, even people I didn’t associate with were in rapture at my conversational abilities. I wanted to die.

Leaving the reception I was on a performance high, picked up one of my old friends that lived near were the reception was and we drove around. I came out to her, and emphasized how well I was doing, overcompensating I guess. Dropping her off I immediately needed something else to keep the panic from easing in; I sent a desperate text wondering if I could drop something by someone’s house and called someone, they weren’t home. No dice.

No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t keep myself from feeling last night. Do you know how frustrating it is for someone who has been so good for so long at keeping away any sort of emotion and to suddenly not be able to do it? Feeling alone, betrayed and beaten by my own friends and emotions I resigned myself to my apartment.

yes, that's it...you know the story, don't you?

There are volumes I cannot speak.
I just want someone to understand.

Page 44 Please

I'm currently re-reading The Bell Jar by the love of my life, Victoria Lucas, and I'd like to share a quote I hope you will all enjoy,

"There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends."

It made me really glad to not be living in trashy dorms in the heart of Salt Lake City anymore. I felt so bad for my roommate because he woke up so many times to the sound of me throwing up ten feet away from the bed in our bathroom. The first few times I would usually hear a knock followed by an, "Dude, Are you okay?" After a few times of me being horribly rude I began to turn on the shower, fan, sink faucet and then empty the contents of my stomach. That left my roommate dreaming of Korean women, rather than worrying about his retching roommate that was becoming far too acquainted with the benefits of regular abdominal workouts through vomiting

I miss my old ssg roommate.

anyway, the anxiety isn't even close to where it was before, so I haven't puked since the beginning of April. I hope it stays that way.

Now back to Esther Greenwood

Blessed be His Name

Romans 8:35-39

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.

Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

because I thought this was cool

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Fade to Grey

Saturday morning I woke up late, in a bad mood I checked a few blogs. I read one that isn’t the queerosphere announcing that a friend of mine had chosen to leave the church. I got kind of emotional and pity-party-ish phrases like, all of the emotions tying back into the feeling of loss since my brother’s death over four years ago. I got to work about 15 minutes late and made it through most of the morning with only offending a few of my coworkers.

By the afternoon I was feeling better, and by seven I was changing into my lavender shirt and my second favorite pair of jeans and decided to be alittle more adventurous than usual and I wore my Dolce and Gabanna cologne and headed off to The Macaroni Grill with a bunch of other mohos (By a Single Thread, The Original MoHomie, The Non-Blogger, Danish Boy, The New Kid, Tito, and myself). Dinner was fantastic; I once again filled up on their delicious bread instead of the food I ordered. Boo.

When we had our fill, and By a Single Thread flirted enough with our married waitress we went to Rock Canyon Park. There were some blocks of ice that hadn’t fully melted so there was some impromptu ice blocking which I, regretfully, didn’t participate in. We finished that with no broken bones, some very awkward pictures, and a few grass stains. We ended up watching The Illusionist.

I slept in on Sunday, but not as much as I would have liked. Sacrament meeting was good, and I felt the need to share my testimony briefly… which I did, in about 35 seconds. Sunday school wasn’t bad, and priesthood was almost unbearable, but I sat through the whole lesson. Someone from my ward even sent me a love note! She’s the ward chorister and really nice, I think I should try to be her friend.

I made a brief appearance at my aunt’s birthday party/family gathering and bolted up to Salt Lake to see By a Single Thread sing, but alas Danish Boy and I couldn’t find the place where he was performing so we just wasted a tank of gas driving around the valley and talking.

Anyway…it’s my day off today and I think I’m going to read some more of the Infinite Atonement, and consider going to my ward’s FHE. Ack, I really need to go grocery shopping.

Funny Things Roommates Say Pt 3

So, I just had an...interesting conversation with my roommate and his fiance.

Highlights include:

Talking about birth control which Roommate's Fiance is now on.
Her latest gynecological endeaver in which she received the new drugs, and the awkward vaginal examination from a large bearded man
and also her vaginal expander.

...

which she proudly showed me.


Then she said to her soon-to-be lover, "I don't think this is going to be big enough."

So much to blog about. I'm too tired to actually blog about it.

But here's my desperate plea, it's my aunt's birthday family gathering...I need a date--anyone of the female persuasion want to meet my awful family tomorrow around 5 PM?

Second Star to the Right

What have I been doing lately? Working, procrastinating doing laundry, I haven't done dishes in a really long time but engaged roommate #1 is wicked nice and does them for me. I owe him. I've also been hanging out with The Girl Whose Blogging Name is Yet to be Determined who seems to have settled on Michelle in her last comment on my blog, her best friend, and The New Kid the past few nights.

Tuesday Night while Tito and the Original MoHomie went to a movie that they didn't invite us to [no, i'm not bitter.], we went to a park swung on some swings, watched Michelle's friend spin around on a bar, then we climbed a tree. I haven't climbed a tree in so long, and I think it was actually The New Kid's first time doing it. I do have one minor battle would, er...scratch from the tree climbing excursion. [Sidenote: I don't get hurt. It's weird, I think it's maybe that I never, ever do anything that'd cause pain but I have never broken a bone either. hmph, moving on]

Wednesday night we watched a movie at Michelle's house, and I totally got some cuddling action from her.

anyway, i need to do laundry wicked bad, clean my bedroom, figure out if I'm buying a certain old, trashy car that doesn't fit my personality at all, and make some cinnamon rolls.

Exchange No. 10

I mentioned this in my most recent post, but right now I'm thinking a great deal on the love that God has for us. I’ve felt that I could disobey the commandments of the gospel of Christ, or I could abide peacefully in them—He’d love me no matter what. He does love me perfectly, as He does all of us.



I mentioned in my post Letting Go about how scared I am do actually distance myself from the idea of ever having a boyfriend, the idea is terrifying. Since I’ve been mulling it over I’ve come to a few conclusions.

1. This is a decision I’ll have to make every single day of my life.
2. I’ll need to focus on Christ and His gospel instead of the church.
3. I need to learn how to make and keep healthy relationships.
4. Breathe and take things one day at a time.

Am I ready? Can I really do this?

Letting go

Is it possible? For the last year and a half I've been sitting on the fence feigning commitment to Him and keeping the option to date men open in case that whole "Jesus" thing doesn't work out. The pain of indecision is seeming to be more than the pain of actually letting go, so I must be getting close to be getting to that point

I've had some incredible spiritual experiences the last few weeks. Not because I've seen angels, or conversed with God face to face, but because I've felt that Christ is real, has a special interest in me and those that I love. I've felt that the Atonement can cover what I've done and He can heal the pain that I've felt.

So, what is the process of letting go of even the possibility of dating a man? How can I make a decision like that permanent?

More will come later...

Although the weekend ended a day early for me, it was incredible. Exactly what I needed.

More to come, if I feel like writing about it.

Put Sufjan Stevens on...

I'm so bad at blogging, seriously. It's getting kind of pathetic.

So I've just been looking into the screen on my laptop, begging my fingers to type something and yet they've only pounded out many typos and a few trite sentences on Stephalumpaguseses' new chacos, the fact that The New Kid was kind enough to take me 'running' yesterday, and that I bought some shorts yesterday at AE then quit my second job. I also tried to type out that I learned how to drive a stick shift and The New Girl whose blogging name is yet to be determined was the first person to have to drive in it with me. I killed it attempting a U-turn when I dropped her off. So it wasn't that bad. . .

but alas, I'm bad at blogging.

One day soon I'll post something worthwhile

I'm not in the mood...

For blogging that is--so you're going to get one of those superficial "here's what I'm doing with life" kind of posts.

And AGirlWho broke up with me on facebook. I'm not bitter

SATURDAY:

Stephalumpagus, Satine and I went up the waterfall in Provo Canyon. Satine and I did this all the time last summer with another friend that I can't remember her blogging identity right now [man, i'm a bad friend] poor stephalumpagus only wore flip flops which was a really bad idea on her part...although i didn't explain we'd actually be ascending the waterfall, not just climbing the trail.

afterwards we met up with the Drex crowd and I watched a bunch of gay man, and their token straight girl play frisbee, it was freaking hilarious.

By a Single Thread called me, I ditched the party and went to dinner with him. Chili's. I drank too much Dr Pepper and couldn't finish my food, it was delicious though. Sitting on the other side of the partition was a girl I went to high school with on a date with a woman. I wanted to say something but she doesn't remember me--I decided against saying hi and mentioning how I was connected to the family that's disowned her.

Chili's was packed with good looking guys so after we were finished we decided to get out, and we went to walk around Rock Canyon Park and saw some random date group ice blocking, it looked ridiculously reckless and horribly entertaining.

By a Signle Thread left and I headed up to the Original Mohomie's place, we ate ice cream, and looked at baby pictures.

SUNDAY:

I slept in and read, didn't go to church. I also learned how to drive a stick shift.

Monday:

The New Kid and I went to SLC, got some Costa Vida and met a bunch of [old] people within the Family History Library. Then we drove back to Provo through Park City [do you know how many freaking times it took me to type 'Park City' correctly?] It was beautiful yesterday the clouds were going over the mountains, the sun breaking through the clouds in a freaking amazing sunset. So I called Satine again and with The New Kid we went up to the waterfall, except we used the trail since it was kind of cold yesterday. It was amazing up there, it's one of my favorite places in Prozac valley.

In Other News...

I finished New Moon, the sequel to Twilight and I'm anxiously awaiting the third book to come out in August.

I'm reading The Bell Jar again, which is one of my favorite books.

I'm also out of shampoo and my Aquage Transforming Hair Paste

Yesterday I got the Pineapple Mango wallflower from bath and Body works. I am really loving citrus right now.

okay. I'm done. Time to ...get out of bed. Gee, I'm pathetic.

Ugly

I feel digusting and worthless tonight.

I'm pissed at most of God's children of the female persuasion. Thank God I'm not sexually attracted to y'all.

Work was miserable today/tonight.

Needing to take some time off, but I can't--i need to buy a new car...

damn. Today just sucked.

jealous

Roommate and his fiance are listening to that horribly romantic Howie Day song, Collide.

In revenge I turned on Ani DiFranco.



This is my favorite Ani song ever..well maybe not ever, Superhero is up there. but this one is incredible... So to all the men who only enjoy B.Spears, Rihanna, and Celine enjoy the healthy dose of lesbian+guiar.

The Journey

This blog has followed my life quite closely, in what I have done, thought, and because my memory rarely fails me, i'm reminded of what I haven't written about when I read the lies that I've typed out because I was too afraid of myself to write what was really happening.

Today I realized that where I am now is better than where I was a year ago--even though I am not currently temple recomment worthy, even though the longings I feel are more intense than ever, I am in a better place.

It seems that everyone who starts on the path of reconciling their beliefs with incongruous feelings have stages they pass through... I know I don't have the stages documented fully or correctly but from what I've experienced.

1. Wo is me. I'm gay. and mormon. wo. (ages 12 to...ummmm first part of January '06)

2. YAY! I'm gay AND Mormon! How AWESOME is THAT?! Ps, you need to read In Quiet Desperation...One day I'll meet Ty--How crazy will that be?! PS...if Ty Mansfield ever stumbles accross this blog...can we...like meet or something? I'm your biggest fan, and I heard you were wicked cute.

3. What the hell! I'm actually gay? ...dang that sucks. Apparently with being gay you are sort of attracted not just people of the male persuasion, but people you know of the male persuasion like your friends. Suddenly I found myself wanting to do things I swore I'd never do to people that I'd spoken of very spiritual things with, yet wanting to rip their clothes off... *sigh*

4. Depression , daily routine, negative coping techniques, and apostate thoughts...Throw in getting a boyfriend [on some level] then find out that physical relationships are really satisfying...for about 2.37 seconds.

5. We're at stage five now. I can't figure this one out, it seems mixed in with all of them now. The lines are more blurred than ever. Take last night for example: I was in bed, feeling extremely anxious and just wishing someone would crawl in with me and hold me until I fell asleep. It was nearly 5 AM when I closed my eyes for a few short hours. But the entire time I was craving that touch I knew that I would better in the morning. It was a strangely beautiful moment sitting in my bed and fully acknowledging both sides, knowing the consequences of both options.

I'm somewhere at the beginning of the 5th stage, not having been there I don't know what else has to happen to get to the point where I'm able to handle it all much more easily. I know there will be backtracking, reworking things, especially getting the pornography use under control [control meaning elimination not just regulation ;-)] and becoming physically healthy.


Okay, that's enough for this morning, I am kinda crazy busy so I need to finish this, sorry I'm not even reading through this so it will make much less sense than usual...

PS...my car is almost dead, it lost it's ability to reverse, I think I might finally be getting a new car in a month or so...

4.

Twilight

Remember last October when the book club chose to read Twilight? [silent moment for the now dead book club] did anyone else develop a crush on Edward Cullen?

I'm kind of ...er...attached.

Funny things roommates say pt 2

"Hey, AtP--get your swimsuit, we're going to shower together tonight!"


in other news...there is a gay kid in my ward. Has anyone noticed that P-town is freaking crawling with gay people?

Dangerous

I type this a few days ago and put it in my secret blog, I'm working on being more honest and open. It's confusing but I think it needs to go into the world in it's undoneness

Truth: I don't know how to have a healthy relationship, especially with males--it's been suggested, and it's horribly true that when the possibility of sexual relations ends I usually abandon the friendship. I don't invest anything in them, even if that possibility is completely subconscious.

I did something horribly emotionally manipulative last night.

Realizations: I felt, for the first time last night that being a friend of mine was completely dangerous, and that people shouldn't get near me because I'm contaminated and will ruin their lives. I really hate feeling like this because only two days ago I was feeling like a real human being. It's pathetic.

Samantha sent me an email on Sunday and it's resonating more than ever.

'"And now the year of my redeemed is come; and they shall mention the loving kindness of their Lord, and all that he has bestowed upon them according to his goodness, and according to his loving kindness, forever and ever.

In all their afflictions he was afflicted. And the angel of his presence saved them; and in his love, and in his pity, he redeemed them, and bore them, and carried them all the days of old." D&C 133:52-53

There are days when I really wish Christ would come. Not because I'm ready or prepared, because I don't think that day will ever come--but because it would be nice, sometimes to be with the one who knows all that I've done, felt any pain that I've felt, and who knows my heart--and loves me anyway."

One day Christ will be here and I'll know what it's like to have someone love me unconditionally, i won't be a threat to Him, and I won't hurt him because I'm me, I can't harm him because I just don't know how to have a healthy friendship. that day will be beautiful.

Your Local Inspirational Bookstore: Back In Action

Some of you may recognize this book [sorry about the quality, the only camera i had with me was my cell camera] as Elder Nelson's The Gateway We Call death.

Some of you might also recognize that the black little smudge is a dead fly--the bug his untimely death when it was lamenated between the layers of the jacket.

I've never laughed so hard at work.

Feeling Whole.

I felt whole, and worthwhile for the first time tonight in about a month. The voices of dissent in my head calmed and I was able to, as someone said in the opening prayer to gain the perspective that I needed to make it for just a while longer.

I'm sure some of you have noticed that my blog has been somewhat down lately, and have noticed that the spiritual thoughts have been almost non existent, a direct reflection of what was going on inside of me. And I'm sure for those of you who are close to me could tell that the light of the gospel hasn't burned as bright inside of me as it used to...because I could feel it dimming and the hopelessness set in.

After therapy I came back to my apartment, got in the shower and just stood there... after a few moments I said, "I don't want to do this anymore." That was only the latest cry in the series of, "Why am I doing this to myself, please tell me this is true, if this is true why aren't more people holding on more firmly?"

"Hang on for tonight, and go to FHE."

Reasonable enough, right? I've been holding on almost 20 years [can anyone tell I look forward to turning 20?] I could surely do it for one more night.

It seemed that the speaker at tonight's FHE/Fireside knew what I needed to hear. Everything I've been working through was addressed in the most appropriate way. From issues regarding the truthfulness to the gospel, to trials and challenges in general, and from a question asked by my mom peace about the death of my brother.

Brother Millet stressed the point that, as Elder Holland said, "The most significant sign of your progress on this journey is not so much your location on the path at the moment, but rather the direction in which you are moving."

He also brought up a point that I need to think more about, he mentioned that as we become more like our Savior and learn to love more like He does, our suffering will increase.

Anyway, I received answers tonight and the strength to place one foot in front of the other for a few moments longer. I'm going to be able to fall asleep tonight in peace and with full knowledge that the storm can and most likely will start up again while I'm sleeping, but for now I feel safe, whole, and worthy to be called a son of God

one year

It's been one year this week since I...

met the first person dealing with SSA that was striving to live the gospel

...came out to my parents

...put my mission papers in

and met brother and sister matis.

Having Options

Towards the end of October 2006 I was jealous. I had been communicating with several people, learning more about them and how they’ve dealt with the issue, and when I learned of past transgressions I was jealous. I wanted to be able to experience that too and be able to bounce back stronger than ever.

This, as you can imagine, caused a great deal of angst.

After a few conversations with good friends, some time on my knees I got an answer I didn’t think I’d ever get from my Father in Heaven, “AtP, [yes, God often calls me by my blogging acronym] you can do whatever you wish to do. This is YOUR choice: not Samantha’s, or Tito’s, or anyone else’s. It is only yours. Just know that if you choose to leave the gospel I can’t bless you as much as I want.

Has anyone else wet their pants because they just got a scary answer from God? A whole world was open to me. I had options! I could choose how many blessings I would receive in this life. I was responsible for the happiness I’d have in this life and more so in the next…that’s freaking scary!

Since then I’ve sat in this awful fence-sitting predicament. I’m hoping it ends soon.

I like lists

1. The Vienna Teng concert was incredible. Thank you Original MoHomie for getting me a ticket

2. church today was kind of lame, I was late...it started at 1 pm.

3. Thank you Samantha for sending me the Scripture of the day.

4. I'm still having difficulty adjusting to life in Prozac Valley

5. Practice makes perfect--I'm hoping one day they'll make "Saying Offensive Yet Hilarious Things In Front of BYU Students" an olympic sport.

6. I want to really blog tomorrow, and I'm hoping it will happen...my brain hasn't been cooperating lately

7. The CES fireside was a lot of fun.

8. I cuddled with Stephalumpagus while watching Finding Neverland. I like cuddling.

9. I miss living near By a Single Thread and El V. I also miss the Taj Ma- By-A-Single-Thread. It sort of sucks.

10. I thought my roommate was cute until I saw him shirtless...he has manboobs.

.

I started laughing really hard last night at 3 AM.

wonder why?

I was in a car with three other gay guys, listening to Chinese pop/hip hop driving through the heart of mormondom at a ridiculous hour of the morning.

You'd think I'd be used to this...guess not.

..: :..

"Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe"

Right now I think I'm just on autopilot. I miss life in Salt Lake, yet I know there is a reason I felt like I had to move back. I'm just confused.

There is this increasing portion inside of me that is begging for a closer relationship with God, and of course the other side of me that really just wants to believe fully in the absence of deity. Ha, if the old women who buy books from me only knew the dichotomy going inside of the person raving about how inspirational that particular title they're buying is. Can anyone say fraud?

I guess I can say I'm trying, right?

There's a lot to do this summer, and it's terrifying...

But here's this amazing quote that has been floating around the queerosphere as of late...


"Hang on, hope on, try on. ... Get through the night; get to the light. ... I believe in that light, and I believe in that hope, and I believe in that peace."

I once was a draft, but now I'm published pt1

(From Sunday morning) I’m sitting on the couch in my new apartment with my Clean and Pore Cleansing Mask on thumbing through a book, and listening to music before I get ready for church. For some reason my thoughts have been turned towards the last year of my life and the promises God has made me, the small stirrings of the Spirit that I’ve felt, and generally the love that He, the Author of Our Salvation, has for us.

I remember when I finally believed I was worthy of the love of God.

I remember when I was sitting in the baptistery of the Salt Lake Temple my thoughts had been turned to Him and the plan of salvation when I felt the very distinct impression, “This is so much more rewarding than being with a man.”

One month later I had my first gay kiss—there is my problem, I don’t trust the person I know who has the power to save me. Now I’m to a point where I know how [physically] rewarding a homosexual relationship can be, and I’m having a hard time leaving the middle ground that, albeit painful, is ever so comfortable and feels safe.

Another moment happened a few months ago when I was at By a Single Thread’s house visiting. I was looking around and felt yet another impression that I’ve previously blogged about, “AtP, one day you will be happy.”

The moments of complete and total peace like those I’ve mentioned above haven’t been as frequent as I would like, but I can’t deny that they have been there and they have divine origin.

(Typed tonight)

I have all of these thoughts and ridiculously general feelings that I was attempting to communicate with this partially written post and I can’t get it out, I can’t get my mind around what I’m trying to say—so frustrating. So I’m going to publish this post, and try to sleep.

Funny Things Roommates Say:

"AtP, Don't let a woman change you!"

I busted up laughing, it was highly entertaining. Although I'm sure they thought I was slightly mental.

and there's now a fussball table in my kitchen....again. *le sigh*

PS. I'm a social freaking retard when it comes to conversing with straight guys... I need to work on that.

Since By a Single Thread posted “Effing Plague,” I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind about how much pain homosexuality is causing.

My family for instance: my oldest brother was gay. That was, what I believe, my family’s first experience with an openly homosexual person. I found out when I was eight, but can remember instances where my brother talked about it when I was about 6. I told a few people when I was younger about my brother’s orientation at school, some overheard me and a few people relentlessly mocked me because I had gay brother. My parents had no idea what to do or handle the issue and I know it caused them incredible amounts of pain.

By a Single Thread wrote very honestly about what many of us go through. Tonight I’ve been wondering if there is a better way than just ignoring what we’re going through. There must be some fulfillment we can achieve in this life. There must be.

Moments are occurring more frequently in my life where I feel like I ‘m too far-gone, I can feel that this is wrong but those feelings are there nonetheless.

It’s past 5 am, and I can’t sleep, but I can’t think or write well…mostly because of the really long nap I took this evening. Anyway, so I’m going to publish this just so I can say I blogged…hopefully I’ll be more coherent later.

...

Wow, what a day.

It’s been horrifically long, and I’m wicked tired.

I miss seeing the Salt Lake Temple every time I walked outside, I using a magnetic key card to get into my apartment; I miss By a Single Thread and his freaking adorable dog.

But life moves on and I start working again tomorrow, which is barely enough time to unpack. I also see therapist tomorrow, I’m thinking his idea of taking a little break from gay culture will be nice. I’m most likely going to try it out.

I’m glad I’m closer to the mountains and that I’ll be working a lot more, I know I’ll whine about it later, but going up two and a half flights of stairs will make I’m more active.

I found ballroom dance trophies in my new apartment.

I think I’m going to go to sleep now.

Ugh

I don't want to move.

There, I said it. Right now the only thing P-town has going for is a better job[s] and better looking mountains.

Therefore I'm reluctantly packing.

Baby Announcement!!!!

I just got off the phone with Ken Gobiddles; Barbie just gave birth to Marko at 6:36 to their second child. He is 7 pounds, 3 ounces and 20.5 inches long.

Things really aren't okay

Hey kids, I still don’t know of what I should really be writing about in this blog anymore. I could write about all the fun I’ve been having with friends; going out to fun places to eat, having stimulating conversation, or i could talk about the purchases I’ve made recently, or my up and coming move, or how happy I am that school is almost over for the most part, but I can’t.



I’m feeling absolutely hideous right now, completely messed up and defective. No matter what I do I can’t fake it long enough to convince myself that I’m a happy functioning normal person.

Friday I woke up late, walked over to my English class and handed some papers to my group and said I wouldn’t be able to finish the group project for them and that I’ve had a bad week and expect a busy and messed up weekend. They were pissed but I just walked away.

People ask how I’m doing, I don’t know what to say except my normal response which is to smile and say everything is great...when that I happens I usually send out a desperate plea with my eyes trying to tell them that not everything is really okay. I’ve been faking it for so long, feigning pleasantries and trying not to burden others with my angst. I don’t know how to be honest with those around me.

My cuddle impulse has kicked in, I keep feeling the, “I just want to be able to fall asleep in someone’s arms and then I’ll feel better… I just want to be held” why can’t I be perfect? Why can’t I just get over this and just be fine with who I am and be independent?

I think I need a really long hug.

coming out

starting in February 2006 I started coming out to my friends, the first was Roz, then Lawyer Friend, and then I slowly told others in my life...barring my best friends from high school.

There's still a very large group of people who were very important in my life who don't know about me. I keep them away because being gay is kind of a big deal and it's very difficult for me to even clue them in on what i'm doing because it's hard to explain without telling them that I am a homosexual.

sorry about this post, i'm just thinking about who I used to be, how much I've changed and also thinking about all the people I've left.

I need to go to bed before I write anything else that doesn't make sense.

Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets in and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why

too [insert word here] to actually blog. soon though...soon.

Today...

I just want to watch movies all day, curled up a little ball.

can I? Please?

Things worthy of mentioning

1. this awesome SMBC comic


2. Your Local Inspirational Bookstore sells some pretty amazing caramels. They helped me get through a slightly lame lesson at By a Single Thread's ward yesterday.

3. Roommate is moving today! I get my dorm to myself for the rest of the semester. Finally! No more random hairs in the microwave...okay that only happened once, but it was disgusting.

4. Speaking of the end of the semester I only have 10 days until I'm moving. Sad, but I think it might be a good thing, although living Up North has been great to seperate myself a little from the rather intense moho-ness of Ptown.

5. Ren and Stimpy *cough* Tito *cough cough* had a little get together Saturday night and we played Apples to Apples, I won.

6. I took about a five hour nap yesterday. I'm so rested right now I actually feel like I can do some homework. I might actually take advantage of this feeling and try to finish my Book of Mormon final.

7. Kelly Clarkson's new single is out, not as good as Behind These Hazel Eyes, but I'm a fan.

8. El Veneno moved out of the state recently and moved in with an awkward LDS guy, I got this text from good ol' El V last night "I saw a paper on my rommate's desk listing girls who smiled at him at church. It went back several months and has notes like "Too tall." Now he's talking to himself. Ikes." I think living with By a Single Thread was a better deal, I'm sure he didn't talk to himself.

Things That Suck...

Placing your favorite belt inside one of your favorite shoes, then your favorite cologne in the other. Then putting those shoes on the top of your, forgetting about them, and driving away.

Total replacement cost $280.00ish dollars

*cries a little inside*

In other news I hate most seminary teachers for they are relentlessly cheap and love to abuse the Deseret Book return policy. Those (expletive delete)

And...I tried some Versace cologne since I lost mine, it's amazing--my next fragrance purchase has been decided. I mean, I want myself when I wear this stuff. *drool*

I don't have much to say right now since I'm not able to really put into words with I'm feeling accurately, but I hope this image will suffice.

I'm so tired.

Has anyone noticed that Pink looks like a really scary drag queen

The pain of indecision, almost too much to handle, will eventually push me into accepting the love that Christ has for me. I have a feeling that the next few months will be the deciding factor of much of my life to come.

Ouch.

Eye in the Sky has been out here parytin' it up for his spring break. Last Thursday he came over to my apartment after leaving the temple, and asked if he could borrow some normal clothes. So I handed him my fat jeans, which aren't really big--they just don't fit me as well as they used to, and a button up shirt. He comes out of the bathroom and the first thing he says to El-Veneno and I is, "These clothes make me feel *so* gay."

They weren't even my gay clothes!

In other news, Happy Easter!

The End is in Sight!

Yes! My Book of Mormon teacher announced last night that the 18th would be our last class, and the 19th is the last day for Eng 270 (Film) class I'm SO FREAKING EXCITED!!!!!!

I'm moving back down to P-town as soon as I can, I still need to find a place to live, and my parents are (once again) helping with the finances. They're obnoxious, but kind.

So, all I have to do is go to the next two weeks of class, and write a few more papers (two for film--extra credit, one for psychology--Who Do I Admire...I'm thinking of Writing that one on Samantha...or Tito...I don't know... and then one for my intro english class)

AND I'm getting my old job back at Your Local Inspirational Bookstore. sweet action.

This must be a joke

While listening to the remixed version of Turn Off the Light by the love of my life, Nelly Furtado I came across this picture from the Juno Awards show.

This is too painful for words... I don't know what to say.

There’s been a change. The latter part of last week almost had me in tears. I feel bad for Eye in the Sky who had to sit next to me during the Saturday morning session of conference. I said nasty mean things and Samantha had to sit me down and we ended up talking about what was going on. I went to priesthood alone, and luckily was in the overflow of a stake center where there weren’t any distractions. Men in white shirts and ties make me flustered.

During the priesthood session this confusion and tumult was getting to an unbearable point. I tried dissecting my emotions, analyzing them, asking myself why I was feeling that way.

I did the only thing I knew that would help, and I feel so much better.

It was extremely late Saturday night, but I know what I felt. For the first time since before October I felt that the Atonement could actually work for me, that I’m not a wretched person that Christ doesn’t love.

Usually these feelings of hope, comfort, and joy only last a few hours, then I see an attractive person and I’m feeling all wiggly inside again. Today, perhaps only today I felt different about that. Samantha and I were invited to go and talk to Wicked-Cute Married Gay Guy and his ridiculously cute and nice wife. It was a lot of fun, and they chatted away about mixed-orientation marriages. Let’s just say that this one hit me upside the head like a big yellow school bus. I stayed quiet for most of the time because I didn’t know what to say or how to act. After we left I told Samantha that I was kind of all distracted and slightly pained. Instead of escaping into fantasy like I normally do in situations like this to ease the messed-up feelings I just sort of felt these out and came to realize that nothing is going to happen, and I chose to sort of just let it be and move on.

Although I can’t take full credit for this, I was immediately distracted at FHE which is an entirely different post all together. I’m sensing a huge opportunity in the next couple of weeks to be able to learn a lot about how I tick. And I’m thinking having the contest going is going to be able to keep me to reverting back to the really useless coping mechanism. I’m sensing a lot of self-improvement coming on. It’s exciting… PS I know this is just me being manic. But it’s nice to be motivated occasionally.

Conference Weekend pt1

Samantha is out here this weekend again, and we’re having fun. I gave Tabitha some Fruit Gushers and we ate mashed potato bowls from KFC. Deep conversations ensued

The reason why I haven’t updated for a while is I’ve been writing in my wicked secret blog, …that’s never a good sign.

I’m very grateful for friends who are willing and able to give me a blessing when I need one. The past few days have been very difficult and I didn’t know what to do. I felt so trapped I had to reach out to someone, and I’m finally feeling peace…something I haven’t felt since before Christmas. Comfort, peace and joy. For the first time in quite awhile I didn’t plan an escape route when I entered a room, I laughed for the first time in a few days too…. really laughed. I heard a lot of things that I needed to hear, namely, God loves me, and this is something that I have a particularly difficult time accepting… mostly because of that pesky self-worth issue that I have.

I'm lucky

I’ve been really contemplative today. I couldn’t bring myself to go to class today, I didn’t go outside until after four. Samantha called me, and we talked about almost everything for an hour and a half. I love her. I spent the rest of my day writing posts for my secret blog.

When it comes to lessons essential for me to learn I’m pathetically slow, but today I’m coming to terms with the fact that people care for me, worry about me, and love me. I still believe that I’m not worth loving. As much as I don’t want to acknowledge it, that may, in fact, be a fallacy.

The most prominent reason why I don’t want to believe I’m worth loving is that means I may actually have to thrive, grow, and become someone better than who I am. That’s terrifying!

But I stood back for a moment and took everything in: I had one of the most amazing people call me today and we just talked, through that conversation I learned that other people care and are concerned for me, tonight I got a burned CD with some great music from By a Single Thread and a much needed hug and a text message just making sure I was okay.

I’m really scared. Things may be getting messy, or may be getting better, I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m going to face tomorrow, although I do know that I’ll have people who love me and who will be with me every step of the way.

I guess I’m lucky I have so many people who love and care for me. I’m lucky that there are people who have and will invest so much energy into helping me. One day I’ll be free from all of this pain and crap I am going through right now, I’ll be free from my unhealthy coping mechanisms and it will be because of the help I received from those who love me.

Holi!

AgirlWho... and I walking up to the Hare Krishna temple in Spanish Fork.



You can't see the flames because I was too far back, but they just lit the demon on fire--the colored chalk was everywhere





I'll upload some more later tonight when I have the time, and Agirlwho puts hers up on facebook.

Hold tight, it is just beginning

It happened again, I woke up feeling messed up, worthless, and broken. I don’t like feeling like this at all. I got in the shower and went to Elders Quorum, and left ten minutes later.

I was with Samantha last weekend, since then we’ve talked a little about finding a counselor for me, then she said something that sort of just made me cringe, “Don’t hide behind being gay.”

I know most of my issues don’t come from being gay, that’s just the way most of them are manifested. For me I don’t have issues with being gay, I have other ones that I still don’t know what they are. I’m experiencing some sort of stress and suddenly I want to jump the nearest guy—I’ve done it too. It doesn’t solve anything.

I have unhealthy coping mechanisms. Masturbation and porn, those are given, I’ve been addicted to porn since I was 12 and things got so much worse after my brother died. I was in a very unhealthy co-dependent relationship for a while, I’m still reeling from the pain I inflicted on myself, when I decided to break that off I didn’t eat any real food for a week. Oh, did I mention I was hypoglycemic? I got around that nasty little fall back by eating 1.5 pounds of starbursts, 2 bags of the suckers with the gum in the middle, and some chocolate just to sustain my glucose level enough I didn’t pass out (oh, by the way, It’s been since December that I’ve weighed myself, I lost 15 pounds in the matter of two weeks and I’m terrified to find out if I have lost any more weight.) As stereotypical as it seems I’ve used shopping as a crutch, and now I’m in some really obnoxious financial situations.

People keep telling me I can’t do this alone, but I don’t know how else to do it, I don’t know how to have people help me. I keep thinking about it, over and over again. I spent last Friday thinking about how to open up. I can’t figure out how to do it. Am I stupid? How is it that someone doesn’t know how to ask for help, or even know how to allow someone to help them?

Stay tuned for a post from Holi, I had a really good time at the festival, I’ll be posting pictures hopefully later today.

There's no comfort in the waiting room

Okay I'm back everyone. I decided that after Samantha left I was going to take a break from feeling for a while. It was a nice little vacation, but I'm back. It turns out when I ignore stuff I can't sleep well, which in turns makes me too tired to go to class, makes me not want to eat like I should, and then my life slowly starts to fall apart. Shucks. I used to be really good at shoving everything underneath a rug.

This is terrifying. I've always been able to ignore whatever I wanted for much longer than this. I went three years with ignoring the fact that my oldest brother who was also my best friend killed himself. I ignored the fact that I'm gay for at least a solid 8 years. I was only able to make myself not feel for 4 days. FOUR DAYS! I'm scared this is going to be much more exhausting than I previously thought.

It's time to leave the fence again, put on my brave face and do everything in my power to become who I was meant to become...but I'm so tired.

One day I'll be able to trust myself in any situation, there will be a day in my life when I won't plan my escape everytime I enter a room, I'm hoping that one day I won't over analyze everything that people say. One day I will be happy.

Soulfarce

Those obnoxious fags are at it again.

I say we vote them off the gay island. I still stand by the fact that they don't have pretty lesbians...nor are their gay men that pretty either.

**More to come later**

This made me laugh

.::.

"The important thing is this: to be willing at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."

What are we willing to sacrifice?

A New Blog

Okay I haven't actually done this, but I'm announcing a new blog of a very close friend of mine. By a Single Thread, he is the nicest person I've ever met, has the most amazing voice--and I've heard a lot of SSA guys sing, amazing style, and since he just offered me garlic toast I'm even more impressed.

...wah?

I think I recovered from my terrible bout of word vomit that started last night around 11:24 pm.

I kept from spilling my most disturbing secret to Roz...barely, I stopped myself mid-sentence 13 times that I counted, probably more..I've never been good at that whole counting thing.

Samantha and I have had a lot of fun. woot woot...and now I'm tired.

UV Rays & Psychology 101 a post that's a little late...

With the temperatures rising, I’ve been having the desire to wear shorts, a t-shirt and my chacos, so I looked around, made a few calls and ended up a tanning place. I walked in and—bright lights and lime paint, with dance club music. To my surprise there was a guy at the front desk. At the tanning places I’ve to or seen there has always been women and practically no men. But this place was packed with guys…and only one girl. The man at the front desk welcomed me. Obvious lisp…keep in mind, “welcome” doesn’t have any S’s to lisp.

After I left the tanning place I ran back to my place, rinsed off, and headed to psychology class. As you guessed it, it was hell.
There was just a “Shhh”ing war going on, between the compulsive liar with deformed lady bits and the girl who has “issues with psychology.” Eventually the teacher got the class under control and then disaster struck.

“So…post hypnotic suggestions are like when people are playing poker… then they’re nervous so they like tick and twitch, right?”

Uhhhh, you have got to be kidding me!

Anyway, Samantha is visiting and we're having wicked fun, I'll write about our Jamba Juice adventure, shopping, etc.

.:second place victory:.

“I believe everyone has been chained to something they didn’t love.”

When I first read that, lists flipped through my mind like names on a Rolodex, the next more distressing than the previous one.

I also read in a Postsecret from last summer that confession is the first step towards innocence, so, here we go.

Stepping toward innocence…

Obviously the first thing I’m going to say is that I hate being chained to myself. I find myself yearning to not be who I am, and to have this person that I am be able to lie in the wayside so I can actually enjoy a day for once. Being tied to oneself, such a disabling concept.

I’m tied to my past that was in a co-dependent relationship. There was a time that I found myself not being able to function without someone in my life. I’m sure you are all piecing this one together, but homosexual relationships, for me, are like the flaxen cord described in the scriptures that slowly leads men to hell. At first my eyes were covered, I lost sight of my Redeemer whom only a few months earlier I earnestly testified of. That cord went around my chest, I couldn’t breathe any longer, and in desperation I threw myself in deeper thinking that would possibly solve the mess I found myself in. It is only now that I can see the light momentarily break through the cords covering my eyes, and I can now gasp for air even though it hurts so much to breathe.


I’m chained to what my new therapist will be calling a “compulsive sexual behavior,” I just call it porn and masturbation. They are nice, backstabbing friends that always come back when my life seems to fall apart. I dislike how I lean on them more than I lean on the Savior. Here I am, crying out to my own version of a god, saying “Save me! I can’t do this anymore!” and they buoy me up, numbing me temporarily but I find myself in the same situation, a few days—if not hours later. If I wasn’t chained to this form of an idol that I rely on, yet do not love, I would be happier and have some real confidence.

Also along the same lines, I’m shackled to independence. I am more obsessed with looking like I can do this by myself more than I am concerned with actually surviving. AGirlWho told me last Monday evening in passing, “You can’t pick up all the glass yourself you know,” referring to what I had posted earlier that day. I know I can’t do it, but sometimes it’s nice to pretend, right? (Here’s my action plan, start seeing Therapist—Called and waiting a returning phone call. I’m checking this one off, talk to bishop—check, waiting to hear what’s next…

What are you chained to that you don't love?

feel free to listen, feel free to stare

One of the reasons why I have been so (delete) messed up lately is all this self-loathing I’ve been experiencing. Let’s take today for example, I was feeling so much better after last night, I was almost smiling from being happy, not because it was expected of me. Then today I was driving around in my car; it was such a beautiful day and I remembered stupid things I’ve said or done over the past few years and at the end of each memory there was an instinctive, “I hate myself.” It makes me sick how much I don’t like who I am!

I’ve been buying a lot of clothes recently—not cheap items either. I’ve also been dressing up more than usual, doing my best to appear colder and walk with confidence. I keep dressing myself up--making myself look good because I can’t make myself feel any better on the inside, I can’t do anything that makes me feel like I’m a worthwhile good-looking person with the things that count.

The portions of the dorm room that are mine are spotless. I vacuumed three times today, organized and reorganized my desk twice, and then color coordinated my closet and organized the drawers: all in an attempt to convince myself that I have things put together and that I am in control. Didn't work.

I bought a new air freshener for my dorm: coconut lime verbena. Besides me being the scent police I have no idea how that fits in with me being utterly (delete) up lately.

So Confused. (So much shouting, so much laughter pt 1.5)

A few days ago, El V’s roommate invited me to a benefit he was singing at on Sunday, which was last night at a church in SLC. El V picked me up, along with two girls in their ward. After the delusional El V got the address mixed up, we arrived at the non-LDS church.

Walking into the chapel I immediately knew something was up, we sat behind a lesbian couple, too our left there were a few gay couples…then I start looking around and it became apparent there were very few straight people.

I sent a text message to someone I knew was there that said, "There are a lot of...you know whats if you catch my drift."

He replied, "I'm picking up what you're laying down."

Then the more feminine part of the lesbian couple on the bench in front of us sang beautifully in the program, as did El V’s roommate. After the intermission a nice portly man with colored in eyebrows got up and gave an overly emotional speech saying, “being here I have realized that it’s more than just GLBT people coming together, it’s about GLBT, straight people, and even Hispanics coming together to make a difference.”

(looks around)

Neglecting the obvious flaws in his statement I realized I was at a GLBT cancer fundraiser. Suddenly everything made much more sense: the man that I first thought was a woman (even in the gay world you don’t see very many pixie cuts) the young guy with eyeliner that kept checking me out, the older gay couple with matching shirts, glasses, pants, and highlighted hair.

It was quite the experience.

So much shouting, so much laughter part 1

I’ve been a complete and total mess the past week and a half. I’ve been uncontrollably hideous, desperate, lonely, and that horrible feeling of not being able to focus on anything but wanting to jump someone.

Saturday was not a lot of fun for me. I was just in pieces on the inside. I was lazy at work, and afterwards I went down to Provo for Dancesport. Not a good idea for someone who is going through one of those, “I have a crush on every boy!” phases. There were so many attractive guys…or maybe because I just wanted some. Meh. Anyway, I was all torn up about that.

Afterwards I went to see The First Kiss and we talked for a while, I felt a little better. Quoting Drop Dead Gorgeous always does that. But even after our chat I felt like curling up in a little ball and not wanting to move for a while.

…Okay I can’t finish this tonight; my roommate is reading the Book of Mormon oultoud in Korean.

.:Superhero:.

i used to be a superhero

no one could hurt me

not even myself

you are like a phone booth

i somehow stumbled into

and now look at me

i am just like everybody else

i want my old friends, i want my old face, i want my old mind f--- this time and place

I'm a jerk

In an attempt to appear straight, I let my roommate dress walk out the door dressed like a jackass. In my defense he did walk in to our room when I had just applied my Clean and Clear Pore Cleansing Mask.

He has a second date with a Romanian girl that he is completely falling for. It's quite endearing. In desperation he asked me what he should wear, I suggested a button-up shirt over his tshirt. He picked out this boring boxy cut shirt that doesn't compliment his physique at all, with some baggy, cheap jeans.

Asking if his ensemble was appropriate, I said, "looks cool," and went to get in the shower.

I feel like I could've used my gay powers for so much more, I'm a jerk.

In other news I have a sort of date with Cute EFY '04 girl--not to be confused with The First Kiss. I'm going to head out in about thirty minutes, and we have no plans whatsoever, it's going to be a glorious flop. I'll blog about it later.

PS I still feel like falling apart inside, but I look amazing. Win some lose some

The Gayest Thing Ever.

Last night El Veneno called and said his roommate was having people over and wanted to watch a movie, I was invited and I brought over a movie.

El V’s roommate, as you may or may not know, is SSA/Homo/Gay (take your pick I prefer the phrase "Prefers less conventional game," or, "Moho," but whatev.), and he just built a new house. In this new house is a rather large, sexy 62” LCD Projection TV. Most guys would reserve such an attractive television strictly for sports and the occasional action movie with a sexy starlet who has many steamy scenes with the star of the movie.

But not Mohos, we gathered around this gorgeous piece of electronic equipment, an idol to manliness, and watched MEAN GIRLS. It was hilarious. *sigh* I think the Brawny Man might strike us down.

Golly Sandra

There's a ton that I want and need to write down, but I don't know if I have the time to do it, or, when I do have the time if I'll still have the interest/need to write about these things.

Something that just came up that I want to get outside of my head is the fact that I hate driving my car. For those of you who don't know--my oldest brother (in other words, the gay one) over dosed/committed suicide just over four years ago. When he passed away I was just about 16, so my parents kept the car around and I eventually got to drive it.

His car, an old, beat-up hatch-back no longer smells like him, I've long since stopped finding drugs hidden in the car, I've had the alignment fixed from when he wrecked into something the night he passed away, and there are considerably more miles on it than when he was driving it. It's almost a different car.

Except recently everything has been reminding me of him. I hate driving my car, I keep seeing him in his casket. It isn't a pretty picture.

When he died, he was lying on his face, meaning that gravity took over and all the blood settled in his face. As you can imagine, he didn't look at all natural for the viewing.

He was blue, with a ton of make-up, he was bloated, and his neck looked weird. One of the departing gifts he gave to us was he shaved his head only a few hours before he died, which only added to him looking awkwardly disgusting for the funeral.

I keep seeeing that everytime I think of my car. I think I need to get a new one. soon. I remember his promise to me, "I want to be the best big brother I can be for you."

He only kept that promise for a year until he wound up dead. Thanks a lot.

PS, if any of you are thinking of selling a car, let me know. I need to get out of mine soon.

As I’ve been reading the coming out stories by those in the in the queerosphere, I find myself getting angry by reading their stories. I’m angry at their whining because they apparently have understanding parents who cared about them and they knew it.

I on the other hand had my mother immediately burst into tears and run away, then after my mother talked to my father she then came and told me, “Your dad won’t be able to speak with you for a while.”

After I was rejected from serving a mission, I decided to move out and go to school. My parents would come home screaming, crying, and slamming doors. I was called insensitive, bratty, stuck up, my parents claimed I would just leave the church and prostitute myself for drugs on the street corner (I heard that one three times—scenarios my oldest brother found himself in) they said that my plans to stay close to the church was just a farce, a cover-up for my true feelings of leaving the Gospel that I love.

I remember sitting in the computer room typing out blogs during the summer, I felt my life was falling apart, and then my parents would come home and rip into me. This went on until I invited my parents to the evergreen conference. That was happening for four months. FOUR MONTHS at least once a week.

So sorry if I get angry reading your stories of coming out and only finding your parents not really educated on the how’s and why’s of same-sex attraction.

College F. U.n

Well, well. It seems like the party that is The Least Prestigious Community College in the State of Utah is only increasing with unfortunately awkward moments and lameness as we progress diligently through the semester.

It started out with having the window pane next to my bed shattered a week ago by a snowball. That was hella fun, I still stand by the fact that the people who live in my building are the most obnoxious people in the world.

Then I went in to make a payment onto my account and found out that they had attempted to charge me just under $700 for insurance, late fees, and the like. I may be the only one, but I’d rather spend 700 bucks on denim and shoes than on insurance—especially when I have my own already.

When I began thinking about that, I recalled I’ve already filled out an insurance waiver—a nifty little document saying I didn’t need the schools sub par insurance FOUR EFFING TIMES.

So now, instead of studying for a test I have tomorrow I’m seething that I have to waste my time writing letters of appeal, talking to so-and-so, and explaining that the school dropped the ball on multiple occasions.

Nice Cashier Lady told me the things I needed in my little letter, such as “Explanation of how you’ll resolve this situation so that the problem or difficulty will not continue,” I’m thinking that, “Transferring to another school.” Would be a bad idea, also concerning my housing fees that should be non-existent my solution would be, “Never to live in your mold infested trashy dorms again.”

I asked Nice Cashier Lady who I deliver the bill for my time, she just stared at me. Damn.

.::.

You know that overwhelming feeling you get when you drop a glass or a plate on the ground and it shatters? That exact feeling when you feel the glass slip out of your hand and you see the shards scatter all over the floor and you feel your insides freeze and suddenly feel worthless. When that happens to me (quite often I should add, I'm not very smooth) I usually swear and then do my best to clean it up, but right now I feel like I can't do it.

I just have this inconvenient feeling that I’ll never be able to clean up all the pieces.

I don’t know what to do. I just need to get this out of me so I can function for the day.

In other news that is slightly related I’m moving back to Provo at the end of the semester in an attempt to help me put my life back together. Have a good one kids

a loving moment

I was talking with some friends tonight after watching a movie and suddenly I had a very distinct feeling

"You will be happy one day."

Moments like that give me the energy to keep going forward

I'm Kinda Tired

I didn't go to my morning class today, instead I slept in then read pop-culture news regarding B.spears (or B.Shears) stayed on top of all my RSS feeds, which is quite the challenge keeping up with GFY since it was just the Oscars.

Then I went to Film, which wasn't actually bad since we just watch a really tender movie made in the 1960's.

anywho. I'm off to go watch The Constant Gardener...again. it's amazing.

Things I like and Dislike

I like eating Costa Vida with friends
I dislike throwing Costa Vida up hours later (such a waste of $8)

I like skipping class
I dislike skipping class for the sake of emptying the contents of my stomach

I like having rock-hard abs
I dislike getting said abs from throwing up

oh, I have to officially take back most of the mean things I said about my roommate--he bought me medicine yesterday and kept checking in on me. The guy is amazing.

*sigh*

Small Rant

Okay, I was just looking around on Facebook and you know what I saw? One of my dear friends joined a Colin Firth group. This said group claimed Mr Firth to be incredibly attractive, and that he causes people to swoon!

I know I've never swooned at the sight of Colin, and I have to say he is not attractive at all. I might even say that I've made out with people of the female persuasion that I find much more attractive that Mr. Firth.

So take that you pompous brit made-for-tv celebrity. *sticks out tongue*



BLECH!

QOTD

I feel bad selecting just one quote for today, since I spent most of the day talking to Samantha (she's my favorite), then the mildly handicapped woman I work with she kept telling me, "You're just cookin' with Crisco AtP, cookin' with Crisco!"

Then I spent a lot of the night well, early morning, talking to AGirlWho, I think I may have a crush on her. Shhhh don't tell any of the fags in the Queerosphere--they'll kick me out because I'm not really gay.

but alas our QOTD comes from Stephalumpagus who reminded me of the first time we hung out at IHOP, it was back when they had the Caramel Banana French Toast thing for $4.99 (hmmm deliciousness). Well, she said, "Remember that time you winked at the waiter to get more caramel?"

It brought back a flood of memories of late night IHOP adventures with Smurf and a bunch of other people, and also displays the fact that I shamelessly use my (incredibly sexy) body to get things I want from nice gay waiters...like caramel for my french toast.

PS I think I'm buying this shirt...the mao thing...obviously



and i REALLY want to buy this one... excuse the language


and what I'm wearing to the Queerosphere reunion.

An attempt to explain life in general

The negative
I’m more alone than I ever have been this past week. The most human contact I’ve had has been with my roommate and the mildly handicapped people that I work with at Your Local Inspirational Bookstore: The Remix. It's pathetic.

My laptop has crashed three times today. It isn't supposed to do that. And that really pisses me off.

I'm a mess financially, I'm in debt up to my ears and I've had to ask my parents for money three times--something I haven't had to do since I was 15.

I'm angry all the time; at people around me, at myself. And for stupid things too, basically I'm angry at people for not being able to read my mind and realize how messed up I am. After work I made a quick stop off at a mall and went back to my dorm. I spent some time reading and tried to sleep but I couldn't because I was just so, so angry.

in addition to being angry all of the time, i'm really afraid. I hate how disabling it can be sometimes

I'm moving back to Provo the end of this semester just because I'm freaking miserable here. Yeah, I know i'm running away. Think Ani DiFranco, "I want my friends, I want my old face, I want my old mind--F--- this time and place"

The postive

I'm reading the re-released version of "All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience," that just came out a few days ago, and it's a really good book. I've learned a lot in there.

I'm getting a hair cut on Monday. I can't wait.

I'm slowly gaining more influence at work and the old women are finally starting to realize I have good ideas--so we're changing things around. i still have a list of things I want to have changed, on the top of that list I want to instigate alphabetizing our product. I know. shocking idea, isn't it?

I've been able to talk to a few people the past few days that have been amazing helps and they've helped me realize that God hasn't forgotten me, and that even though I feel like no one is there for me, I know I'm not.

i'm praying more than usual, turns out God is a great listener... and He loves me... hmmm Who knew?

I'm talking to Samantha on the phone and she just made me snort. It was awkward.

In other news...

Granola and Band-aids

hey kids

Sorry for the mess of shallow posts that seem to be overtaking my blog. There are things that I'm working through and all I can think of is writing scathing posts of Nelly Furtado fashion blunders and the fact that B.Spears shaved her head.

So until the time when I can properly sort through all this, "fleh" you'll be enjoying more posts about the shallow things in my life, such as:

Saturday night I saw an octogenarian wearing a sexually suggestive shirt that said, "How many licks does it take?". The old man sighting, which occured at the Downtown Wal-mart, was terrifying...mostly because he was wicked high and tweaking.

I don't know how many of you have been introduced to the fragrance Pink Sugar--but it's amazing. I bought some for my friend Sam back in our high school days and I almost jumped her it was that delicious. Anyway, they introduced the male equivalent, Blue Sugar. I don't know if I should get it or not; I'm leaning more towards purchasing it. Anyway, if any of you just happen to be at the University Mall in Orem, stop by the frangrance counter in Nordstroms, take a whiff, and let me know what you think.

I bought this shirt a few days ago. Although, I don't know how often I'll wear it since my arms are freakishly skinny and they rarely don't venture outside without a long sleeve shirt/jacket on.

Housing Complaints

AtP: "Hey Holly, you're in the housing department, right?"
Holly: "Yeah, what can I do for you?"
AtP: "Well, this is AtP in room 134--I already told you about the wallpaper in the bathroom that's peeling. Well there's this green stuff growing there now. Just wanted to let you know."
Holly: (Laughing)
AtP: "uhhh"
Holly: "That's disgusting! I'll put a work order in."

I hate that bathroom. I hate the mattresses, I hate the horrible lighting. The people who live around me are absolutely ridiculous. I can't wait for this semester to be finished.

It's over!

Okay kids, I know I’ve posted about Nelly Furtado already—you know that time where she inserted the dagger into my heart than walked away? Well, not literally…she just wore some pretty awful clothes to an awards show. Anyway, she twisted that dagger today and laughed--hard



Even though I still love your music, Nelly. We're finished--I'm breaking up with you.

Psych 101: The Meltdown

I know you are all just dying to hear more about the adventures of AtP in Psychology, and I hope I do not dissapoint with this weeks venture into annoyance.

We're discussing intelligence tonight, and most of the discussion wasn't as painful as usual. We were discussing environment, siblings--you know, the standard for a chapter concerning this topic, but out of the blue, the girl I blogged about recently spoke up.

"I have two cats!"

...

What the HELL does that mean?! "I have two cats!"

My words aren't working, I don't know what to say!

I'm going to tell myself that she was making some clever word play about having lesbian aunts or possibly having deformed lady parts.

Worst Friend Ever Award

Anyway, well I missed The New Kid's birthday.

here's a late happy birthday to The New Kid who is now 20!

PS I got a facebook finally, I feel like I can never catch up on the facebook-ness...

The Ascent

I have a copy of David Linn's The Ascent hanging in my dorm room to remind me constantly of the people that I have who are extending their own arms toward me, attempting to help me through life, also to remind myself of my responsibility to help those around me to become nearer to God.

SoulForce V.2.0

There are some things that really bother me, like stupid people, or those who perpetuate stereotypes, and on occasion I'd include my parents on that list as well. There are also organizations that really piss me off too, like NAMbLA (North American Man/boy Love Association) and on an equally pathetic and lame level, SoulForce.

I'm sure everyone who is gay, mormon and had an internet connection was aware of "The Equality Ride" that took place last spring. They came and attempted to open up dialogue with students and faculty. Then towards the end of their stay at BYU they held a funeral procession and then played dead in a field, each person representing someone that had committed suicide, was gay, and a member of the LDS Church. This particularly made me angry because they were horribly disrespectful to the families of those people who ended their own lives, they had no right to use their names in such a pathetic and corny way.

Anyway, even though BYU was kind and accomodating last year, Soulforce decided they were going to play the bleeding heart activists and spit in their faces. This year they won't even allow the Equality Riders on campus because they didn't play nicely last year.

So here are the reasons why I dislike Soulforce:

They come in and attempt to change...wait...what was it exactly? Where they attempting to change the LDS Church stance on homosexual activity? Or did they try to get them to change the CES Honor Code? Oh wait! I think I remember! Soulforce wanted the Church Education System to be ACCEPTING of their homosexual sex-capades!

Okay, now that we have little bit passed us, here's the thing Soulforce and also Soulforce's little gay mormon friends. There's this thing called the Honor Code. Don't know if you heard about it, but anyone attending any CES Program or school signs it. When you sign the Honor Code you say you aren't going to be doing a myriad of activities--drink, smoke, have (gasp!) hetero sex, and probably, the only thing you are focusing on, no homosexual activity.

So Let's recap! If you're attending a school owned by the LDS church you've signed a little paper saying you won't have (among other things) gay sex. If you do have (among other things) gay sex, you freaking DESERVE to get kicked out.

Okay, I'm getting bored with this topic--so I'm going to wrap this up quickly. Soulforce, you made things worse for BYU students who are SSA/Homo/Gay, you helped perpetuate the stereotypes that we've been working on getting rid of. And the worst crime against mormon gaydom you've commited: you have very ugly lesbians.

.:Superhero:.

sleepwalking through the all-nite drugstore
baptized in flourescent light
i found religion in the greeting card aisle
now i know Hallmark was right
and every pop song on the radio
is suddenly speaking to me
yeah, art may imitate life
but life imitates t.v.
'cuz you've been gone exactly two weeks
two weeks and three days
and let's just say that things look different now
different in so many ways

i used to be a superhero
no one could touch me
not even myself

A clean homosexual is a happy homosexual.

As many of you know, I moved out of the good ol’ home the first week in January into the heart of SLC ghettoness. I’ve had a lot of fun, and a hard time adjusting to attending school again. Another thing that I’ve had to adjust is living with someone.

My roommate is a great guy; he just got back off a mission to some crazy country in Asia or something. During the days I have the room to myself, and when he is here I only momentarily have to endure him chatting about girls.

As much as I like the kid (not in that way, sickos!) but I can’t stand his inability to keep things clean. In fact, he’s shedding. Every morning when I enter the shower I see a gamut of hair types. I’m sick of just having to rinse down the hair and clean out the sink in order to not throw up.

So, yesterday I couldn’t handle it anymore, I had to clean—I went to Wal-Mart and purchased some scouring pads, Clorox, window cleaner, and paper towels. I scrubbed the countertops, bathtub, and floor. Washed the mirrors, folded towels, and organized all our hygiene supplies—okay, they were all mine. My roommate only owns shampoo! While I have: my Dove Intensive Moisture Body Wash, pore cleansing mask/cleanser, black head reduction daily exfoliating scrub (just added to my routine, I’m in love) Clean and Clear Dual Action Moisturizer—an oil-free facial moisturizer), Aquage Transforming Hair Paste, and of course—my signature cologne—Swiss Army. Okay enough about me. Suffice it to say, I have enough ‘supplies’ for a gay army.

And now, after an hour or so of delightful cleaning and organizing, I feel as if I can breath in my room—almost. I’m thinking of finding a desk lap or something, since the lighting is pretty awful.

Okay, another college story I wanted to share. I usually take the stairs because the elevator situation is ridiculous. But today was different, my computer applications teacher, Sister Former Hippie, let me out early. I pressed the button for the elevator on the 7th floor, it immediately opened up, and it was empty! This has never, ever happened before—the average elevator at my school is packed with at least 10 people. It was a tender mercy of the Lord. I walked in, pressed the button with the star on it, indicating the lobby. I expected to have to stop at every floor, but it didn’t! It went straight down to the first floor! My elevator ride that usually averages 5 minutes took less than a minute!

I think God loves me