Starting Fresh. Again

Last night I took the steps I felt like I needed to. It was refreshing.

I closed a door; although it was only on one person it felt like I gave up more than just that more-than-friendship-but-not-quite-a-relationship deal, it was more permanent, I feel like, for the first time I actually put everything on the alter--well everything in my life so far on the alter.

I'm preparing for my world to crash around me--so far most things seem intact. I still need to talk to a few people. I'll try to do that on Sunday.

I'm listening to Christmas music. I've never liked it before and it's weird.

I drove around in my car tonight listening to This Day & Age with the windows down, and the heater on. It felt like summer again. Lines of lyrics like "Just promise me you'll always leave the ground," and "i don't blame you for questioning why people fall in love its all the things you were taught to run from"

Oh, it's pretty much official, I'm going to go to school winter semester. I'm definitely excited.

I wish I knew what to really say, but I just don't. It's coming to me, and I'll be able to write about it eventually. but... I can't find the words right now.

A Decision Made

Peace for now... Opposition will come later

Keep it real kids. ;-)

dreams are lame

I remember in my AP psych class that when we talk about dreams we shouldn't piece it together and try to make the concious understand the subconscious

so here it goes.

I was with him again, watching a movie like I found ourselves doing time and time again. I was sitting very close to him and wanted to have him just hold me, we started holding hands again except there was no blanket to hide under like the first time we held hands... no point either, we were alone. It was in a basement. I felt this intense desire to be held by him again.

I woke up, readjusted my down comforter, switched sides. The dream still included him in it, but he played a less important role.

vague and random--it's best to stay away

There's something I've been trying to blog about for weeks, except it's still off in the ether and I haven't been able to grasp it.

choice?
regret?
God?
change?
Friendship?


A few weeks ago, I was tired. Now i'm exhausted. My solution only perpetuated my spiritual, emotional, and physical fatigue. This is reminiscent of last year at this time...


"When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago." -- Friedrich Nietzsche (Thanks for that one Samantha--i can't stand reading Nietzsche long enough to find little gems like that)

I find myself at a point where I've found myself before, when I was barely 16 I found myself in the same mess of needing to leave a situation, but always finding myself longing to be in it again. I can see the cycle, where i'm at in it, and I think I know why it's happening. Now, since I can see myself I need to act appropriately. Yet, when I've left before, I always had everything lined up...it's always been calculated, can I walk the line long enough to make a smooth transition, or does this need to be more jarring than usual?

I do think an award is in order though, along with being the youngest regular posting member in the queerosphere (and also the most attractive (HAHAHA)) I must say I deserve the "Most Vague" superlative...

I did a lot of laundry today, and vacuumed my room. Now it smells like Tide with Febreeze. I added a faith and teachings section on my bookshelves. I've been burning up the Camille CD today on my laptop...the French music has really been the perfect soundtrack for the day.

Tales From Your Local Inspirational Bookstore

The seasonal help is starting at the bookstore, there is a new girl that is so awesome... She moved to Utah about three weeks after joining a church a short time ago. Let me set the scene...

There was a family that was wrapped in hick garb. The patriarch of the family had his boots on, hat that resembled something a civil war soldier would wear, and a vest. His sons, miniature versions of him. The matriarch was the female version of him, sans hat. They were a close family, the children minded their parents and they were overall great customers.

After the family left, the new girl walked over to me, and said, "Do you know what I love about Utah? There are all these hill-billy families... They drive into 'town' and you notice the shock on their faces, almost like they've never seen civilization before.

(and the best part...)

You'd almost expect them to come here with sticks in their hair, they're so endearing!"

Hilarious...absolutely friggin' hilarious!

Things going on in my life...

I need to update.

the only thing I can think of is a realization I had...

When people say, "it's your choice," they OBVIOULSY disapprove of what you want to do. but understand youre a big kid.

it's a bright thing NOT to do it.

*yawn*

THe lesson went well--thanks for all the encouraging test messages, emails, calls--they were very much appreciated.

I spent the day with The First Kiss who is now at BYU. She came over after Church and played cards wtih my family, when I was later driving her home she said, "I miss rednecks" it made me wicked happy.

Okay, I will update....and it'll be amazing.

anyway, I'm out, time for sleep

EQ Lesson...The Remix

You think for someone who is SSA/Homo/Gay teaching a lesson on "Faitfully Enduring Trials and opposition" would be a little easier.

but I got nothin' two quotes and an idea that really won't work as much as I'd like it to

...

Don't Look Back

FOX 13 Interview

I got home a bit too late to catch the Fox 13 of "Gay, Mormon, & Married" So I logged onto their website and was SO not impressed. First of all I felt so misrepresented--The first guy telling us that the only way we can be happy is to live our lives according to our attractions. His portion of the interview was like watching that Oprah episode on lesbians who used to be married...except this guy was white, had an unsavory neck, and didn't look as put together as O-town usually does. I felt like he was telling me the only way for me to enjoy my life was to give in, give up, and leave everything I love.

Then our very own Fob came on the air--less Oprah, but I still felt so misrepresented.

Ugh, it's late, and I don't have the energy to talk about this anymore. Let's just say I thought the interview sucked, and put the church and E.G. in an unattractive light. I don't agree with everything E.G. says, but they should've been given more than 15 seconds and a bad camera angle that emphasized David Pruden's odd looking gut and neck. And then the foreboding flashing of "Coming Out Straight" and, "Resolving Homosexual Problems" yeah, that wasn't cool either.

A Few Firsts

Okay, we'll get back to our ordinary schedule of angst, David Linn pictures, and saying bad things about people in my ward soon. but.... here are a few firsts from last night

1) I let someone drive my car, it's not that I'm protective of the junker--it's that I'm too paranoid to let anyone else drive it. My car is tempermental and most people can't handle it.
2) I invited people to my house. I usually try to stay away from this place at all costs--but a bunch of people came over, met the Mommy Monster, then had some hot chocolate.
3) I watched a movie outside on my macbook, in near freezing temperatures
4) Hmmm I also slept in until church started...which is at 12:30. My sleep cycle is SO messed up right now. I'll make it a goal of mine to get to bed at a decent hour, or to stop needing large amounts of sleep.

Text Messaging Fiasco

I was at Zupas for lunch with Stephalumpagus and I started to get some very curious text messages. I finally figured out who it was-- a girl who has been a little forward with her interest in me in the past. the conversation is as follows

CGWWTDATP (Crazy Girl Who Wanted To Do AtP): Hey this is CGWWTDAtP--what's up?
AtP: Not too much... (and with severe peer pressure from Stephalumpagus, i continued the text with...) Oh, and I should tell you, I'm gay now
CGWWTDATP: Wow, the last billion guys I have liked all go gay...but I have those temptations too

Wow. Some poor innocent girl just confessed lesbianism to me via text. She then went all preachy on me. Little did she know who she was really talking about. After awhile it just got annoying and i told her to have a good day.

but it is kinda funny.

...

it's a little past 11 PM. And I can't figure out why I'm scared to be home. I guess i'm sorry to those people I keep out so late, I just don't like being here and feeling alone.

I really wish I knew what I could blog about...

SSG: The Meltdown

Well kids, the Stupid Straight Guy struck again last night, with avengence. The dialogue is as follows

SSG: Sorry I had to have you come in and help, I feel so gay.
Me: Gay as in you like guys, or gay is in you feel stupid?
SSG: Gay as in a I feel dumb, you don't say gay here in utah?
Me: Some people do, but I don't--my oldest brother was gay, now he's dead--and I loved him very much
SSG: *laughs awkwardly*

Hmph, it's been a weird few days. I need to think about this some more...

A Confession, A Warning

okay, I'm going to admit it, I'm not fat. In fact, quite the opposite--I'm rather thin, a lightweight, I wear an adult size small t-shirt, or, extra-small, I rarely find pants small enough in the waiste that fit properly. I know I'm skinny, and I'm okay with that.

But if you ever call me skinny, scrawny, emaciated, stick-like, I'll be wicked pissed, and will most likely never think the same of you again.

ex: Today after our fifth Sunday meeting, a high councilman walked over to the pew I was sitting in and shook my hand and then asked "How's Skinny doing today?"

If I was in the mood to mock him openly, I should've said "Not so great now since you pointed out that I'm thin... How's the Short Fat Bald Man doing today? I see your shins and cankles are still withstanding the weight you seem necessary to put on them"

Another thing: Don't call me young, or point out that I'm younger than you. I don't see age, it's one of the things I have no judge of. We're equal. Don't call me a baby, or don't get awkward when I mention what year I was born in. There is a reason why I prefer the company of those older than me--I like being around people older than me. I love learning from your experiences. I'm okay with being the token baby of the group, but if you mention it, I may just throw a tantrum.

(Exception to the aforementioned rule, Samantha,Darrin, Jerman, Carrot and Smurf who alone, have the exclusive right to call me Fetus--and ONLY because we overcame sleep together.)

Now this post may make me look like a complete and total (expletive delete) but I'm generally a nice person, as I'm sure some of you could testify of.

and before I dig myself deeper in this hole of looking like a not-so-nice-individual I think I'll go to bed.

"To not have to live this damned lie would be heaven, but to act on this truth would be hell."

Something that makes me REALLY happy

click on the link, read that post, don't wimp out--read it all.

It's a miracle :-)

People Who Are Cool

Ken Biddles for bringing me a Jamba today while I worked.
El Veneno for stopping by and making me laugh a lot.
El Veneno's buddy for being amazingly cool
The Jerman for having the ability to be absolutely friggin hilarious, while being so laid back and chill--and also for having me in his cellphone as AtP Fetus (major props for that one)
Stephalumpagus because she's hot, funny, and having that kick-A grandma car
And last but not least...Samantha because she basically saved my life, and has helped me become who I am today (which is a mess, but a mess who is much happier with himself...a happy mess who isn't self medicating with porn either. :-) You rock )

Okay, Another thing about Samantha. Apparently she got one of those emails yesterday...you know the one that basically told her that her marriage is an abomination, her kids are going to be messed up, WHATEVER. But I just want to say (Even the person/people who have or will write those emails won't read this) Her marriage is the greatest I've ever seen--it's the perfect example of what I want in my future life. Her kids are well adjusted, and happy. I was able to spend a weekend with them--all of them knowing I was gay, and they were SO chill with it. So to those who think otherwise, or that her marriage is an abomination--GO SCREW YOURSELVES

About five minutes before we closed, El Veneno stopped by with his friend who happens to be a girl, I gave them the grand tour of my place of employment, we laughed about the new Gladys Knight CD, and other things. Ten rolled around and I bolted out of that place to chill with Stephalumpagus and The Jerman--we got pizza, had awkward conversation pauses and overall had a pretty amazing time. We fried cookies on the bell tower lights at BYU. They didn't even turn out half bad....which was impressive.

Venting

Okay. I'm a little frustrated at work. The reason? I'm training the new guy...for the purposes of naming him in the Queerosphere I think I'll call him SSG (Stupid Straight Guy) . Here's a list of things that I wish I could put in his locker...but... I can't

Dear SSG,

-Your cologne smells like my old dog
-You sound like a used car salesmen when talking to customers. It annoys them, and makes you look white trash.
-You say really, really stupid things
-You answer your cell phone on the floor, yet you don't answer the store phone.
-You have really bad hair
-Your ten-key abilities are that of an Ethiopian 4 year old.
-You keep saying "gay" when you should really be saying, "stupid," or, perhaps, "lame"

with respect,

Your not so-straight training supervisor.

a seperation of sorts

I don't know why I entitled the post "a seperation of sorts" except for that's what I think is going on inside. There will come a time when there is no middle ground, that means in the world...and inside ourselves.

That time is coming for me, there is beginning to be no middle ground, the time for spiritual apathy is coming to an end. After my realization of agency last week the fight has been more intense. I'm happy with my life as a chaste member of the church who also experiences SSA, but there's still that part of me that probably won't go away during this life.

I've been thinking (never, ever good...especially after 12) that I need to create a deeper relationship with Christ and start to rely on Him more fully.

I know I'm of infinite worth to Him, I've made my choice....I just want to remember what choice I've made.

<>

"The difference is that those who are, or who will become Saints reach breaking points without breaking" --Elder Maxwell

Okay... AtP is just going to type until I come to some sort of conclusion about why I feel like someone just shoved a hand mixer into my chest. I'm getting irritated with my parents again (wait...When am I NOT irritated with them?). I rarely even see them and I still can't stand to occupy the same space as they do.

This dichotomy is really growing a little bit more intense. I have a huge love for Him. He's my Redeemer, He went through the Atonement for us all, I don't want to dissapoint Him. I've done that enough already.

Yet on the other side there is a part of me that wants to just be held. To just feel safe and physically not alone.

Friday I had a wicked long talk with Samantha, went to work, then afterwards got some Denny's with Tito. We talked about a lot of stuff. It was aboslutely amazing. Afterwards I got a huge drop kick in the face where I realized that I had agency and if I wasn't going to choose to follow Christ, I could choose the other path. Then it ended with, "Now...who do you love more?"

When I was teaching the EQ lesson today on Agency this chasm intesified. I kept talking about choosing Him--looking to Him for our salvation... Yet in the back of my mind I was wishing I was going over to someone or anyone's apartment to just lie in their arms and not have to worry about anything. Oh man do I talk the talk well...

I guess this is another one of those learning experiences... this is honestly the first time in my life that I've tried to deal with these emotions in a healthy manner for an extended amount of time, rather than masturbating and viewing pornograhy. For those of you who've figured that out. Let me know, I could use some help

EQ Lesson

Oh man...that sucked. I hope I made sense. I know I didn't though.

*le sigh* but I did tell them to talk to their kids about pornography and masturbation. That flopped--and hard.

Ugh. I'm going to find something to eat.

Quote

"Ahah! moments are wonderful, and they suck" --Samantha

We both had our own today. Mine concerned my issues with agency, and wanting all the answers, and generally unhealthy behaviors.... and as Tito said tonight during dinner, "it's a process of putting things on the alter of God"

and Samantha is just downright amazing, add El Veneno, Tito, and a few of the other characters of this Dramatis Personae

Stuff

Currently listening to: Nelly Furtado, Afraid and Wait for You

Well. I got back Monday and I've been procrastinating everything I learned and was able to experience. The fireside went well. I think. I was so nervous. but it turned out well, Jerman and Smurf rocked it up hardcore. David suggested we get rainbow sherbet for the refreshments, that kid is amazing.

I'm stil tired form the all nighter we pulled sunday night

I don't know what to say. I want to sit down and just pound out everything that's going on in my head right now. but i need to work on the EQ lesson...which is chapter 20--any ideas?

When I see people crying, I'm insanely jealous.

it's been over three years. I want to cry, I want to let everything out, I want to have someone come hold me when it happens and have them tell me everything will be okay. Is it too much to want to feel sorrow and to let it show? I feel pain, obviously you've read all the angst that goes on in my life, but I can't let it out...it just won't happen.

because all the cool kids are doing it.

And because I'm also procrastinating writing a real post...

You are a Social Moderate (55% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (28% permissive) You are best described as a: Democrat Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Samantha...She's really a witch

Spending the weekend @ 7200 feet with Samantha, Darrin, and the rest of the gang has been, welp, amazing.

Full of fun times, awkward moments, David was almost outted about four times and it's only been two days.

anywho... I'm sure there will be a picture post (none of us, I mean, we're attractive enough that we can't put pictures of ourselves online... I mean, you'd all want us.

but have a good one. I'm expecting to get back to Prozac Valley tomorrow evening.

General Announcements about the life of AtP: The Youngest and Most Attractive Member of the Queerosphere.

I'm off to Westport, Conneticut to hang out with Samantha and Darrin. I'm hitching a ride with Smurf, Jerman, Tito and Carrot. Good times will be had by all.

And a minor clarification for Mr. Galt that is a month overdue. Samantha isn't the "Mother Nature Healer Goddess" (HAHA! I know what kind of visual YOU just got Samantha ;-) She's amazing, but NOT a M.N.H.G

I've been looking forward to this weekend since the EG conference. When we were protecting eachother from scary people at the EG conference we laughed all the time--then she'd spill out amazing nuggets of truth. This is an example of what she kicked me in the head with today.

it's called the Absolute Gay Truth:

"The truth is that someday you WILL trust yourself. And it will either be in the realm of you, as a practicing homosexual, or of you, as a worthy member of the church. At some point the middle ground will become so miserable and pointless that you will choose."

Oh, and one more which is the official AtP QOTD: "I want to be a snowman... I mean, I'd be an awesome snowman!

"Considering the incomprehensible cost of the Crucifixtion, Christ will not turn his back on us now"

Bishop #2

I had a ton of questions that were stemming from the meeting that I had two weeks ago with my bishop. I was so frustrated that our meetings only consisted of, "How're things?" "Good, concerning the circumstances," (the circumstances included being rejected from serving a full-time mission for the time being for worthiness issues after passing the ecclesiastical interviews and having my bishop announce that my mission papers were in) "Oh, that's great. You're a good guy, and concerning your most recent mishap you can submit your papers again in six months."

When he told me that I was furious, hurt, and confused... I had ALREADY given them six months, and they REJECTED ME. I didn't (still don't) trust him enough to believe him... it might even take a letter from the first presidency or my area presidency to believe that I can put in my papers again, because I don't want to open myself up to the hurt of being rejected again, in what seemed like such an open manner.


On Wednesday my mom went in to talk with the bishop (she's the RS president) and I asked her to take a copy of the interview between Elder Wickman, Elder Oaks, and the Public Relations Department of the church, and also a copy of IQD. I felt that my bishop needed to learn more about this subject so he could counsel others who may not have the support system that I do. My mom also mentioned that I needed to speak with him on Sunday.

After church was out, I ran home and had to grab some food to help regulate the blood sugar (stupid low blood sugar...makes fasting almost impossible) I walked back over to my church building, the bishop's office door was open--I was the first one up today. Walking in, he got up and shaked my hand as usual. I took my usual spot accross the desk from him, this was also the seat I used when I was a priest. I decided against using the normal greetings, I honestly don't think I've ever so forward with this particular bishop. I sat down and immediately asked him if I could start going to do baptisms again at the temple. He thought about it for a moment, moved himself in his chair, then said, "Yes." Thinking it being my lucky day I was tempted to ask him for a new car, but I thought it horribly inappropriate.

I moved onto my next question, "Why is it that the Stake President said I needed to keep my records in this ward?" I got an "I don't know, but I'll find out... he probably just doesn't want you to have to work with numerous bishops about this issue"

Satisfied with the answer I moved on to the next question I had, concerning the mission. I decided a few weeks ago that I wasn't going to put in my papers until I knew I was ready, until I knew I loved myself, until I was happy with myself, and until I made an extemely prayerful decision about the matter. I was so thrown off that he said six months during our last chat. I asked him elaborate on what the missionary department said, he went through the specifics of the letter. I still feel good about my decision to wait until I feel like I'm ready--and not letting anyone put in their two cents on when or why I should go.

My bishop, in a surprising turn of events actually started talking without me asking a question. He mentioned he's read most of the material I had my mom deliver to him, and that he is learning a lot. He kept on talking, he still has a lot to learn. Bishop asked if I was attracted to members of the opposite sex at all... I mentioned to him that it was very different. That I don't have a desire to be intimate with someone of the opposite sex, I wouldn't mind getting married either. But first I needed to get over the the fact that I get a little sick.

We finished the chat at our longest ever... 15 minutes.

French Toast and Awkward Moments

I feel awkward, and once again contemplating my brothers death.

First of all Samantha and I came to the conclusion we're shallow.

Secondly Smurf and The Jerman crashed my place of employment tonight, it was entertaining--so thanks, y'all made working today worthwhile

After that we watched the corpse bride with Stephalumpagus, partied it up at Ihop--I got the caramel and banana french toast. delish. Towards the end of the meal I realized how crowded the place was getting and I suddenly became very, very uncomfortable and I wanted to run away. I spent the rest of the evening a bit more quiet than I usually am, and attempted to huddle up in a ball--which didn't really work since I was either standing up waiting in line to pay...or sitting in the backseat of a car with two other people.

After that, which only ended a good thirty minutes ago, I got online to read some blogs... and I noticed -L-'s most recent post on suicide and mental illness....it was cold and sterileit brought up a ton of emotions about my brother's death that I haven't even recognized in over a year and a half. I suddenly felt that I couldve stopped it. I couldve told someone he was using again, I couldve told someone that his life was spinning out of control, or he wished everything was just over.

-L- not everything is as crystal clear as you made it seem. I was a little kid who only thought he was covering for someone he loved... Who knew that wiping a binder off that had cocaine off it and tossing a needle would be one step closer to someone's goal of leaving this world.

I have no idea where that came from... but I need to just let it be and publish this.

who the crap are you?

I just realized how many SSA/SGA/gay/whatever people there were who are hangin' out around blogger. I mean. we. are. everywhere. Also since the explosion of the SSA/SGA/gay/OSA/SGA-M-O-M/whatever blogging world I've felt a little too exposed...So I had this brilliant idea, y'all could introduce yourselves, ya know--tell me how you got your 'nym, your story, how you found the Queerosphere, etc... Lame, I know, but maybe I won't feel like I'm being stalked by sex crazed rapists if that happens.

anywho. moving on...As you can tell from the post below I broke down and got myself a new pair of glasses... My contacts have been bugging me so much lately. Since I'm so blind they had to send them away to get the lenses in, etc. So I'll be rockin' it up like the fashion forward book nerd that I am in a few days. Besides that my life is boring, except in a few weeks I get to hang out with the Stevens' ...probably going to have a six-pack from all the laughing I'll be doing. I can't wait.

So, this is random. But I love when I get random checks in the mail. Like the one I received today that's enough to pay for my glasses that I just got.

i have a feeling that I'm very, very blessed

Family Home Evening

Mom and Dad held their monthly family home evening group tonight. Great experience as usual, with red velvet cake. Good conversation. But I'm not going back unless I can kidnap a friend to have them watch my back and keep me out of awkward situations...like the following.

1) Someone I saw at the EG conference told me, "I wanted to get my picture with you at the evergreen conference...but I could never really ask you...can I get your picture" Ignoring his question I responded, "I wanted to play a game of smear the queer at the Evergreen conference...but I didn't get that chance." I was able to avoid the picture for a moment or two with that distraction, but this kid perservered. I posed politely while he snapped away.

2) Someone I've never met before ask me for my number, I gave him a fake one....Upon writing this, I realize I gave him my blog URL...I'm pretty sure you'll read this...and I'm sorry, I just got freaked out a little bit.

3) The aforementioned happened, then I was suddenly trapped by a couch, and many people with no escape route, I couldn't find one for quite a while. I was almost about to hop over the couch to just get away.

4) "So, which bookstore do you work in?" Please--I have no desire to have that questioned asked by anyone anymore. I'm almost to the point of looking for another job.

These experiences have made me so much more grateful for having "normal" gay/ssa/sga/whatever friends. Over the past few weeks when we've been able to hang out, I have felt safe, I haven't needed to look for an escape whenever I was with people, and I haven't feared being raped in the back of someone's car.

Yesterday was amazing, E.V. invited me to hang out for the afternoon session of conference (maybe it was by default) with his ward, they were wicked cool and just awesome people. I felt like moving up there was the right thing. Now, I just need to find a place to live, get a job, and make sure that everything is chill with going to school up there.

Elder Oaks' talk today was great.

"I don't have all the answers...and I'm beginning to be okay with that"

--Random quote from the EG conference

Okay. I'm not used to posting such personal things on this blog, such as the post of my brother, things about work et cetera. So I'm going to be taking a little vacation and hiding for a bit until this uncomfortable vulnerable feeling stops and I feel safe to post here again.

That one place I work...

okay everyone, I'm sure most of you know that I work at an inspirational book store. Great times, right? Most of the time...yes I mean, selling someone a picture of Christ that they'll look at all the time, or maybe suggesting a book that they look like they'd enjoy.

But then there are other times when people feel that their local booksellers need to hear everything in your life...Here's a small list of things I've had customer's tell me.

We have one customer who comes in weekly, he's a compulsive liar, so that should disqualify him from blog acknowledgement...but they're entertaining.

"I have ALS, I only have 6 months to a year to live"
The Next week it was...
"I have MS, in about 12 months I'll be confind to a wheel chair."
and then to my coworker
"Do you have a problem discussing urination...because of my "condition" I have a severe problem with wetting myself."

The next lady
"I need to find a scapbook cover for a wedding, but it can't say "temple wedding," because she's pregnant."

"My daughter is marrying a BAPTIST! I can't believe it! She just barely left a porn addict and now she's going to marry someone WORSE! Do you have ANYTHING that might change her mind?!"

Those are just a few. I have more written down at work. My favorite customers that I have come in are ones that are buying a Mark Chamberlain book, or Colleen Harrison's He Did Deliver Me From Bondage. They are usually extremly nervous, I laugh at them inside and think to myself "If they only knew who they were buying this book from." I make a polite comment that Dr Chamberlain is a great man, with wonderful insights--and more recently, that I was able to hear him a week ago at a conference (he spoke at the EG conference) They walk out the door and I hope that they'll make it.

I don't know if I mentioned this, but during ED week my store was wicked busy, I had someone come in, the woman opened very cautiously to a page in an ad that, she then pointed to the book "In Quiet Desperation" she asked where it was. I suddenly felt my knees give out a little, I was so nervous. Masking my nerves, I quickly walked over to our self improvement section, and handed her the book and told her, "This is book is in my top-ten that we have at this store." That sentence alone floored her. She didn't quite know what to say, "Oh, so you've read this..." she asked me. I quickly answered, "Yes, I found the content appropriate, timely, and spiritually based, there is a lot of insight that the authors bring to the topic, I loved it" I could tell she was putting two and two together, not quite knowing what she should say next. I filled the awkward conversational gap with, "Well, if you need anything else. Please let me know" I smiled kindly, trying to tell her that I know what they're going through, I understood her families pain, and I wanted to help... I tried to tell her that everything would be okayy. After that, I went back to my hanging some framed art while she looked around some more...

I wish I would've given her my email address, offering help. But I figured it wasn't my place, nor would she feel at all comfortable doing so if I even offered. But I wonder all the time if her and her family is okay.

Anywho.

My brother

On February 26th of 2003 my oldest brother passed away. He was barely 28, gay, and a drug addict. He overdosed while speed balling. My brother was also the only person in my family that made me feel like I was actually connected...He was brilliant, kind, and a year before he passed away he promised me that he was going to be the best big brother ever. He kept that promise until a few months before he died, when the drugs started to take over his life.

Samantha mentioned a few weeks ago some things about my brother...mainly that I miss him a lot more than I let on...which I do. I wish he was still here, I miss watching movies with him, I miss having him tell about a cool new CD, or him giving me rides to a coffee house so I can get a caramel white hot chocolate, while he got one of his pretentious caffeine fixes. The last few years of his life he was dating one of the best guys that I knew, they were both happy and he took care of my brother. Since my brother passed away, his boyfriend has stayed in touch and made sure that I made it through adolescence without too much damage. I was thinking about that today, so I decided to rummage through his boxes we have in the attic... I found his journal, is faux journal (the diary of a wanna be scenester) I forgot how artistic he was! Towards the end of his life he was doing portraits of his favorite music artists strictly by shading in with lyrics to their songs.

Maybe I’m just imagining this, but I think we have the same smile.





I'm not sad that I went through his things today, I'm actually really happy that I did. I miss him, and I'm okay with that.

Bishop interview #1

I decided I wanted to keep track of all my interactions with my ecclesiastical leaders from now until I leave on a mission (whenever that may be) When my Stake President got my rejection letter from the Missionary Department, the missionary department wanted to make sure I was seeing my bishop every month to make sure I'm not suicidal, buying a rainbow thong,or moving to San Fran


It was an uncomfortable sunday. In Sunday school, I kept picturing in my mind throwing a hymn book at The Slow Talker and Brother Expletive Delete. After church I went to talk to my bishop, it was one of our monthly mandated visits. The meeting was it's average of a whole 5 minutes. He asked how I was doing, I told him the truth, he then said I was going about this the right way, shook my hand and walked me toward the door. Todays visit wasn't a negative eperience, although it was a long way from positive. My questions rarely get answered...although that is my fault, I only rarely get to asking them point blank...which is needed with this bishop.

Maybe next month I'll print a copy of the church interview on SSA, and maybe buy my bishop a copy of IQD so he won't seem so awkward around me.

A few minutes ago I was thinking, and something that Alan Chambers, president of exodus international said at the EG conference started resonating with me, he mentioned, "I never want another kid to feel as though he is dammned like I did" in reference to his experience with homosexual attraction.

I started to think about this, I never felt like I was going to go to hell just for my feelings. First I thought I wasn't trying hard enough. Then I just thought I could never live a life that was in accordance with Christ and His teachings. I didn't think I could make it, that I'd fall away like so many of my brothers friends, and his last boyfriend.

But two weeks before I started to reconcile my homosexual attractions I was at work and I started thinking to myself, "I'm going to go on a mission, try to be worthy...then come home, go to school, last as long as I could, But I will eventually leave the church to pursue a same sex relationship."

Thank God I was wrong, I discovered that it was okay that I dealt with this, it wasn't my fault, it didn't need repenting of, and I could make it!

Tonight I realized I don't want anyone to think they can't make it, like it's too hard, or not worth it. Because it IS worth it, and you can make it.

There are so many times, like when I was recently listening to Snow Patrol's song Chasing Cars, and then Set The Fire to the Third Bar, I started to long to share those songs with someone I loved. But then I opened up my notebook and found these words, also by Alan Chambers, "We are called to live a life of denial."

Remember, "Our trials simply reveal to us our true selves"

A few days ago, someone I am/was very good friends with told me I don't trust anyone that isn't gay. I can count on one hand the number of straight people I really trust...eh.

any thoughts on the matter?

Evergreen...

anyway. So the EG conference was a lot of fun... As Samantha mentioned that she wishes she could give the credit to the EG conference...but really, it was because we're all so much fun to be around. There were some times when we were so bored that we ended up passing notes back and forth, (see post below) giving out our own awards--thanks Smurf for giving me the "Most Ridiculous Laugh" (in all honesty, no one else had a chance with that one.) Then there was the time when I had to run out of the Q&A session for the Male "Strugglers" and then saw Samantha running out of the one she was in... after that Smurf and Sam read Isaiah together while I laughed continuously.

I learned a lot, but mostly about how great it was to have friends who understand, and not have any awkward sexual tension--which is rare when meeting other gay guys.

Ummm i'm tired now. Maybe tomorrow I'll have more ambition.

a few pictures

I don't think any of you can undestand the pain that is involved when a boring psychotherapist gets up there to accept an award... and then have atleast 4 people do it... it was horrible. Although, I realized how grateful I am for the invention of post-it notes.



Soon after that we were getting desperate...

But anywho, I'm so glad I went to the EG conference and got to meet a few of you, it was really a great experience.

too much to digest right now, but I think things will really be a little bit better, and different. I'm... happy and not cynical...well i don't know how true that was. but....

I feel 100% okay.

*cough*

Well, the EG conference starts tomorrow, hopefully it'll be a party. and if not, we'll just have Smurf start a game of smear the queer.

There’s so much I want to write, and there are a few reasons behind this, I haven’t really posted in quite some time, and secondly I’ve had a few experiences lately that have really just added to this emotional and spiritual vat of Fleh. (Don’t ask, just make the “fleh” noise and you’ll probably understand)

As I posted on one of my other blogs I’m going to start to rebuild myself, I have a lot to put back together, and there are some things I’m going to try to incorporate in this reconstruction. One of the things that I know will be essential will be what Samantha and I talked about, which would be to love myself no matter what; no matter what I do, my temptations, my situation with me serving a mission. Yet another factor that I need to bring in would be a stronger relationship with Christ, not built on knowledge but built on prayer and communication with Him. How can I expect to build myself on the Rock who is my Redeemer when I don’t go to Him in prayer?

Also, I was able to attend a fireside with other members of the Church who struggle with Same Sex Attraction. The person who spoke was a woman in her mid-twenties from Idaho. She was married to a man who struggled with SSA; they had a beautiful little girl. Five months after their daughter was born they were traveling home and a drunk driver hit them. Her husband and daughter died and she was in a coma for several weeks.

A few days after the accident she received a blessing by Elder Eyring and she was healed.
She showed us a statue of Christ carrying a girl that was by her bedside while she was in the hospital. I looked at it, and felt that I’ve been carried, and if I let Him now, He will carry me through what I’m facing.

We had Regional Conference on Sunday, I was mostly impressed by Elder Wirthlin’s talk about carrying on. Last month his wife passed away, and he was up there telling us to carry on, I was so impressed by his strength in that, I could tell he was hurting, that he was struggling—yet, as Pinetree pointed out, he was carrying on, exemplifying perfectly the topic he chose to speak on.

One thing that I was able to be comforted with was the fact that Christ has walked our path; He knows us and is willing to help us. He loves us, He does. He knows what we’re going through.

I need to stop writing since I have work soon and it’s going to be a long day.

I'm finally understanding prayer, finally

you know youre in utah when...

... Your fast food lady asks you why you aren't on a mission.

wtf?

"He is despised and rejected of men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief and we hid as it were our faces from Him; He was despised and we esteemed Him not.

"Surely he has borne our greifs, and carried our sorrows, yet we esteem Him stricken, smitten of God and afflicted

"Be He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities, the chastisement of our pease was upon Him,

and with His stripes we are healed..."

Isaiah 53:3-5

I swear on my life that if one more of my old friends calls me to mention werf lost their viriginity, I will explode. It's really starting to get ridiculous. Samantha, that stick you offered to keep freaks away would be greatly appreciated.

Okay, so church… How can I explain how I feel about my particular congregation and the situation that I’m in? I love the church; it’s a means where I can obtain a better relationship with my God and my Redeemer. Although, since I’ve found out about the mission that attending church does make me a little down.

Two weeks ago, I was sitting in the standard pew near the back of the chapel in my hometown; a family who has been in the ward for about a year was sitting two pews in front of me. They have the most adorable girl who is just under 2 Years old; she walked back to me, and just laughed. Honestly, my feelings were hurt a little! She ran back to her mom, then ran back to me with some toys, she lifted her arms up in the “pick me up, I’m really and I wanna play!” fashion those kids tend to pull on us. She sat with me the rest of Sacrament meeting.

It was great, I felt loved, and for the first time in my life, I actually wanted kids of my own.

Church wasn’t so bad that week.

When I get to church this week, I was forced to sit in the cultural hall with those hard folding chairs. It was fast and testimony meeting, and after with a minor stint of Brother Expletive Delete talking about his bible bashing escapades in various chat rooms we were back on track.

Testimony meeting was good! I wasn’t depressed! Someone a lot younger than me got his mission call, and I wasn’t depressed about that either! Oh! And also in Gospel Doctrine the teacher burned Brother Expletive Delete! It was pretty much amazing.

Oh, and this whole Fasting thing sort of works…who knew?

Random trips to Salt Lake for a gyro that is only mediocre, good conversation with a great friend. then game night--thanks for not making me feel *too* stupid.

overall, it was a good day.

Me typing incoherently at 3AM

One of my all time favorite scriptures would have to be Revelations 7:13-17 it reads, “And one of the elders answered, saying unto me, What are these who are arrayed in white robes? And whence came they? And I said unto him, Sir, thou knowest. And he said to me, These are they which came out of great tribulation, and have washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. Therefore are they before the throne of God, and serve him day and night in his temple: and he that sitteth on the throne shall dwell among them. They shall hunger no more, neither thirst anymore…For the Lamb which in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters: and God shall wipe all tears from their eyes”

This piece of scripture has been a life preserver for me in times of great pain where I didn’t know where I should turn to for help, for those nights I lay in my bed not wanting to make it through another day, I would repeat the last line of that over and over again in my head until I felt at peace with myself and fall asleep.

I was thinking more about that passage, our relationship with our Christ, and His love for us. The end of the verse states that, “God shall wipe all tears from their eyes,” I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ve never let anyone extend their arm, and with a brush of their thumb wipe a tear from my cheek. Mind you, I’m slightly emotionally barren when it comes to the crying department. But with all of the people that I currently know, I wouldn’t allow them, or they wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that.

I really wish I knew what I was trying to say here….well, I guess that Our God, Our Christ, the One who has provided redemption, loves us, He knows us, and He will be there to comfort us.

Also, at work I read part of a book that goes through, what the author thought, as the meaning of Christ referring Himself to as “The beginning and the end.” This has always confused me, as I’ve just simply brushed it away and chalked it up to His eternal nature. But this author brought up what it means to each and every one of us personally. He is the end of sorrow, pain, grief, loneliness, past hurt, and he is the beginning of peace, life, love, understanding, healing, and joy. He came to bring beauty for ashes.

Remember, God will wipe the tears away from your eyes.

Tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky, I just need to know that youre going to hold me if I start to cry... Oh, great God be close to me...

I'm doing better than yesterday, although i'm still not able to really put into words whats going on.. it'll come soon though. Sleep well everyone

Having a bad day.

I really don't like angst.

*le sigh*

My parents asked what was wrong, there are a lot of things going well.. but let's focus on the negative just because I'm in a pissy mood, and this is my blog.

I'm the new project in Elders Quorum, my bishop everytime he shakes my hand has that, "I'm so sorry" look in his eyes but he doesn't know how to help, in gospel doctrine they kept repeating the phrase "every young man needs to serve a mission." I felt more than one set of eyes land on myself. That felt absolutely wonderful. Oh, I also like guys--incase anyone didn't catch that.

When will attending church stop hurting? When can I go and have a positive experience?

I want to run away again, but I'm too scared to do it. I really need to take some time off of everything and go away for a while. like literally leave this place and put myself back together.

Also, recently the only thing that has kept me from "acting out" has been fear, not the love of the Gospel and Christ as it should be. I need to realign my focus.

but I'm lazy, so I'll probably just take a nap, wake up and spend way too much time watching movies or reading a pointless, badly written book.

I jsut posted a huge photo essay on my straight blog, if you think youre cool enough and you want the link, just send an email to Attemptingthepath(At)gmail(dot)com

it goes through the last 4 years of my life, it was really... intense to relive some of those memories, but absolutely worthwhile

Continuing the saga

I came out to my parents the first Wednesday in May. The next day was my day off with my old job and my stake president called me and asked me to stop by his business for an interview to put my mission papers. I went in to the interview dressed to kill, we covered all the topics of small talk that are necessary in such situations, then we go through the entire interview, I was completely honest. He then asks me if there was any place that I couldn’t serve.

I answered the Minnesota Minneapolis Mission.

He looked at me, not knowing if I was joking or not. I then asked my Stake President if my bishop told him anything that we’ve discussed. He shook his head, ‘No he didn’t mention anything.”

By this time, coming out to people was like second nature, so I told him that I struggle with SSA and that a few months ago, I was participating in an online forum where I started to communicate through AOL Instant Messenger, and occasionally over the phone with a young man who was also a pre-missionary. This person, who was living in California at the time and just got his mission call to Minnesota. A few weeks after we started conversing he wrote me an extremely long email. In this email he confessed his general attraction to me, then asked if I could pick him up from the airport so we could make out (and so, so much more) before he went to the MTC.

I feel horrible saying this, but I might’ve considered it if he wasn’t an ugly 250 pound 5’ 4” Filipino man (I almost hate bringing up the fact that he was Filipino, but I have to, since the Filipino race is generally slightly shorter and not quite as large as this particular gentleman was….) So this brought up two things I’ve never thought of, I’m superficial, and I need to continually watch myself and the people I converse with.

I reply to this man and tell him that I can’t talk to him anymore, and that he needed to erase my phone number, erase all my contact information so he wouldn’t try contacting me again. I blocked his email, AIM, removed his commenting ability on my other weblog (I think everyone here underestimates my blog-whore-ness…I’m ridiculous)

I then said that as of March 26th he was serving in the Minnesota mission, and it wouldn’t be fair for me, or that young man to be in the same mission, because I knew for a fact that he still was really messed up about his feelings for me.

For a good 15 minutes I sat there while my stake president typed notes into his computer for my papers. He said everything would be okay, and that in about two or three weeks I’d hear back from he missionary department.

Two weeks went by and I still haven’t heard anything from the missionary department… Exactly three weeks later my stake president called and told me that I needed to get a psychiatric evaluation. Two weeks later I went in for the evaluation with someone from LDS Social Services. I considered her highly inept, considering the fact that she talked more about how I did theatre in high school rather than the fact that I like guys.

Two weeks later I still hadn’t heard anything back from he missionary department, three went by…that Sunday I get a call from the stake president’s office requesting that I come down to speak with him.

I thought it was going to be a “hang in there” chat with the SP (I was constantly having those with the bishop) but this one was different. I walked into the stake offices and by the look in his eyes when he shook my hand I knew he pitied me at the time. I walk in, knowing full well that I wasn’t going to be able to serve at this time.

He asked me to sit in a chair next to his desk, rather than sitting opposite. I move closer, and sit down rather stiffly—attempting not to let my generally animated face show any expression.

SP: “The First Presidency wanted me to let you know that this decision has nothing to do with the fact that you struggle with Same-sex attraction.” (Which I genuinely believe)
AtP: what? … Oh…kay?”
SP: “In your psychiatric evaluation some information came out that I wasn’t aware of” (Lie, I told you. But I’ll let it slide this time) “But the church has a strict policy that before someone can be considered for missionary service they need to have been a member in good standing for at least a year—you can resubmit your papers again in January”
AtP: “What?”
Bishop: “Mark, I’m sorry…I just want to let you know that we’re proud of you for going about this the right way…You could’ve easily lied and been able to serve right away, but we’re very proud that you didn’t…”

After a few more minutes concerning repentance, consequences, etcetera they dismissed me to tell my family what the church decided.

Moments after I get into my car, I turn it on, and send out a mass text message—I sent one to Hilary, AKA the First (and only) Kiss. Thee minutes later she called, I thought that she was going to console me, but no. She then started yelling about how her parents wouldn’t let her come to Utah for a summer vacation. I couldn’t believe that I had just heard the worse news of my life so far and she called to complain about how bad her upper middle class life with nearly perfect parents, was horrible (although she might be feeling bad that her current boyfriend was an emotional basket case who is absolutely hideous)

…I got off the phone as soon as possible and went to take a nap…

After I woke up from the nap, I decided that I was going to do what held me up the first time, just to spite them… In retrospect that wasn’t the brightest decision I’ve ever made… that really threw me back to square one. Damn.

i typed this at 2 AM don't judge me... but part three...

Well, here I am continuing in the condensed travel log of yours truly. At the end of the last post I was speaking of coming out to my best friend byuskybluepink. And here is where I actually loose track of who I told in my life. I was still posting on LDS-SSA.org with frequency dabbling more and more into blogging about my struggle with SSA (which has been a huge asset, I have my straight blog and then this one.)

In late April of this year I read a posting on the D2 mailing list about FHE at the Matis’ home (they were the co-authors of In Quiet desperation… by the way, who has read that book?) Going to FHE would be a huge risk, I have never met someone under the pretense of struggling with SSA. In fact, I think I almost wet myself when I thought of it with any sort of regularity.

That Monday came, in the evening I started my drive to their house, I think I was praying the entire way. But completely to my surprise when I rang the doorbell a shorter woman opened the door and gave me a hug that was so needed, next her husband got up out of his sofa chair and gave me a hug as well it was the closest thing to being hugged by Christ I knew of at the time. Those hugs told me many things, that they knew where I was in my struggle, they knew my pain, they’ve seen what I’ve gone through, they would do anything they could for me. It was everything that I needed and more. We had an excellent fireside with the first president of the Palmyra Temple, then cheesecake and cookies afterward with some amazing conversation. Marilyn was speaking to me, she asked if I told my parents of my struggle… I lowered my head and mentioned that I hadn’t.

II then told her the story of my older brother, his choice to be active in that lifestyle, the drugs, and eventually his death. I mentioned that everything was extremely compounded by that. She told me that I should prayerfully consider telling them.

I went home feeling whole, loved and needed. Mostly I felt like I was ready to tell my parents—something I planned on never, ever doing.

Two days later I yelled through the bathroom wall at my mom who was brushing her teeth that I needed to talk to her. She immediately finished and came out. I told her that I really needed to talk to her; she could tell I was very apprehensive about the conversation at hand. After a few moments I had my thoughts and action plan formulated in my mind… It went something like this.

AtP: Mom… I have a very… well, let’s say, interesting blessing in my life
Mom: .odd look.
Atp: Well, I struggle with same-sex attraction
Mom: blank stare
AtP: I know it had to be hard, but I know that I’m going to follow what I know to be true through the gospel of Jesus Christ … I have a book you should read.

Then I hand over to my mom a copy of In Quiet Desperation.

It was really difficult and my mom had no desire to talk about it, but I continually brought it up, I needed their approval, I needed her help, I needed her understanding. It was really difficult for me because that day whenever I tried to bring it up she would start crying. I remember very little of what she actually said, but I know that she wasn’t happy…

Later that night my dad walked into my mom’s study and sees her reading the book. Moments later I walk in. My dad asked my mom what she was reading, she turned the book over and my dad suddenly looked at me. At that moment as I looked into his eyes I saw everything that he ever wished for his family leave his eyes. They became empty and hollow when he looked at me.

I couldn’t handle it, I grabbed my blanket and went into the den to watch the Chronicles of Narnia, moments later my mother comes down and just says that my dad needed time to get over this “shocking news.”

He still doesn’t talk to me unless it’s necessary.

Coming to terms part 2

On January 6th 2006 I became truly converted to the Gospel of Jesus Christ because I was finally able to base my faith on Him. At that moment I began to implement my extraordinary talent in the use of Google. I read everything I could on the topic (although I did shy away from anything put out by Evergreen—but I’ll get into that sometime later) I discovered a lot of blogs out there and began, at that time to start reading some of yours (I think it was LDSwithSSA (whom I’ve never commented on) I clicked the links that really started me on a journey with getting to know each and every one of you. The next that I remember reading was El Veneno’s, (Okay, I’m slowly coming to terms that, yes, I AM a cyber stalker.) Then I’m sure it was Elbows…and I’m so grateful that Samantha was the one who actually found ME—youre the best :-D

All of the information that was out on the web wasn’t really doing what I needed…I was coming to the conclusion that I needed to come out to someone or I was going to explode! (trust me it wouldn’t be a pretty picture) I was agonizing over it, I wondered who I could tell that wouldn’t shun me, or tell the world what a freak I was. After a moment of Prayer I was able to decide on Jim, a lawyer working in downtown Salt Lake, who randomly found me online 4 years previously—we kept in touch as he helped me get over the loss of my brother, and my struggle with other aspects of my life. I sent him the email and he was nothing but loving and understanding of my situation. He provided a listening ear whenever I had to deal with some angst, and for being a corporate attorney I was amazed he always found the time for me.

By mid February I needed some more support dealing with SSA, someone that I knew would be there no matter what time of the night it was, no matter what my mental, physical, or spiritual state of well being. I had a strong impression that I was to tell probably the most conservatively raised friends of the time, who most likely knew nothing of the subject. I was texting my friend, Roz late at night, mentioning that I needed to tell her something. I asked her to not tell anyone the information that I was going to confide in her,\ after she promised that she wouldn’t tell anyone I told her to look on Deseret Book’s website and look at the book In Quiet Desperation and the subject matter of that specific book was what I was struggling with.

I know this friend sometimes reads this blog…. hopefully this is a post that she’ll skip over… But she called me only moments later, I can’t remember what we talked about—only that it was extremely awkward. The next day I picked her up and we went and got some Wendy’s, we went to the bench on the hill in Rock Canyon Park and ate our food on a bench. I still talk with her a lot concerning the topic of SSA, she’s becoming more and more comfortable with it. We always play the game “Who’s gay in Roz’s ward,” and then there is always me whispering in her ear how hot I think a guy is at a ward activity—and trust me, we have a lot of fun with that. She later commented on how our relationship mirrored that of Will and Grace on the popular gay-com on NBC…I’m able to help Roz understand a lot of gay world, at that moment I was able to explain the concept of the “Fag-Hag” and how that usually isn’t a desirable position.

The next person that I was able to confide my struggle in was someone who has always been there for me, Jen. (byuskybluepink.blogspot.com) she’s amazing, she slaps me upside the head at least 4 times a day, she’s my institute buddy, and whenever I’m in the mood for a Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme, and a large Mountain Dew Baja Blast she’s always game. My dear friend, Jen also has this horrible luck when it comes to guys. Any guy that she’s ever had a crush on has turned out gay. For example Lance Bass, a former coworker, (not confirmed as of yet, but my gaydar works 100% of the time 60% of the time—and I just HAD to throw in an Anchorman reference… but really folks, my gaydar is amazing) and many others. I think my favorite moment was when I asked her via text message if she thought someone was gay, she then replied “I like him, he MUST be gay!”

Okay, well this is getting ridiculously long… but you are learning a lot about me. Which is all entertaining and such. But anyway, I’m so ready for bed (or a midnight run to Wendy’s…which sounds absolutely amazing right now...)

I think tomorrow I’m going to write about all the weird relationship that I’ve had with members of the opposite sex, the friendships, relationships, the one girlfriend—and that one time I lost my VL, and YES it was with a girl. HAHA, it surprised my parents too…no worries.

Ugh, after reading through this I realized that I didn’t even talk about coming out to my parents. Which is still a very interesting experience.


There will be a continuation...whenever I get around to it. but most of you know the story from here... so I may not be as diligent at finishing this as i previously though

Another Tender Mercy of the Lord

Last night, I was at work, wearing a tie (i love wearing ties--not the point) long sleeve dress shirt, dress shirt, etcetera--the whole missionary gettup. I was helping a young man find some books, out of nowhere we strike up a conversation.

Steven: Have you served a mission?
Me: No, not yet, hopefuly soon though...
S: Oh, that's cool...I put my papers in in a few weeks, i can't wait!
M: Did you just turn 19?
S: No... I'm 22...
M: (biggest smile ever) I'm going to be an older missionary too.

at that moment I met someone who knew what I was going through. Someone who has had to stay off the awkward questions, the pain, the gossip. We looked into eachothers eyes and I knew I had a friend who has been where I am at, and now I knew I could make it through this time.

I was asked if I had served a mission over 10 times yesterday... Soon it'll stop hurting.

With that being said, I love my job. It's where I'm supposed to be.

Sorry, Samantha--you'll see part two tomorrow

Coming to terms part 1

Like everyone else here, I was always keenly aware of my attractions to members of the same gender, but I always brushed them off thinking that they'll go away. For the last few days I've been thinking of going through the journey of self-discovery and acceptance.

I remember being in 9th grade, looking over at a boy in my history class, then suddenly having this overwhelming feeling of general attraction to this young man. I brushed the feelings off, ignoring them as quickly as they came, but that moment was one that started a journey that lasted over 5 years until coming to acknowledge this attraction in my life. Soon after that I feel into the lie that is pornography. I was able to rationalize these feelings by saying to myself, “I’ll stop liking men as soon as I repent of all the horrible things that I’ve done.” I got into a horrible cycle of self-loathing, quasi repentance, fake spiritual high, and then back. All while having the façade of being the perfect “Mormonboy” (my first blog’s name)

The next moment that was pivotal in really discovering this aspect of who I really am happened when I was in the Hill Cumorah Pageant shortly after graduating high school. I got a text from someone who mentioned a porn site that I should visit, it was obviously, I replied immediately, saying that through my marvelous spiritual experience I decided that I was going to go straight. It wasn’t a complete lie at the time, since I did just develop a ridiculous girl in my cast team.

A few months after I was in the pageant, I was home—working in a department store. I remember it very distinctly- I was standing behind a cash register in the vacuum department. Thinking about a Myspace profile I saw the night before: it was of a gay RM, who had left the church and put of revealing pictures of himself. Of course I was on the search for not-so-good material when I came across that…but at that moment I felt as though I had no choice.

I was thinking that I’d lie to go out on a mission, come home, go to school, and last as long as I could in the church, end up leaving it by the time I turned 30. And be extremely bitter to everything I loved as a youth. I remember the second that thought hit me. I instantaneously started to build hallways, stairs, rooms and locks to hide that conclusion from myself. It worked for about two more months.

My life at that point was falling apart. I was making an exorbitant amount of money for someone who was barely 18, and I still wasn’t happy. I’d hit a wall, spiritually I was dead, I was stressed out, my manager and I had many a disagreement. In a moment of extreme clarity I called the company I worked for and quit. It was two days after Christmas 2005.

I spent the rest of the holidays with my family, resting, relaxing, distressing from working a very busy Christmas season in retail hell. After new years my parents went back to work and I spent the rest of my time taking care of things around the house, and slowly becoming addicted to the BYU 100 Hour Board.

On January 6th 2006 I read a question on the board that was answered by a writer who left a link to MasterFob’s essay “Getting Out, Staying In.” Clicking that link sent me on an adventure that has taken me to where I am today. Until then I didn’t know that someone could experience homosexual attractions and still be a member in good standing of the LDS Church. There I learned of Ben and his marriage to his wife Jessie, the struggle he went through, acknowledging his attractions yet choosing to not live a lifestyle that was in accordance with his natural inclinations. The thought was so foreign to me that I was completely blown away!

At that moment I was able to instantaneously reconcile all of my attractions to the same gender, because it didn’t matter as matter as long as I never acted on them!

Stay tuned for part to in Coming to Terms, about me coming out

Conference?

Hey, so the evergreen conference is coming up next month. Personally I take a little different approach to the whole SSA thing... but anyone going? is it worth attending?

Anyway, at work yesterday I saw my exgirlfriends mom, that was fun. and by fun I mean awkward. wicked awkward

Also, I had a very polarizing moments at work today...A very attractive man came in today to buy a book...it was so hard, I'm checking this guy out like every five minutes and then I notice that I'm in an LDS bookstore, surrounded by pictures of Christ, amazing music, and a wonderful spirit...

it was just a very odd moment where two parts of my life, which are very much real, came crashing into eachother confusing the crizzap out of me.

I really need to actually blog about something worthwhile

The Break Up

I never wanted to do this, but you know what...it's your fault. You pushed me to it...But I'm officially breaking up with you. Yes, Dashboard Confessional, I mean you. I thought we really had something. When I first heard Places You Have Come to Fear the Most I knew our relationship could last...but you had to ruin it with your most recent release that you seem comfortable with calling 'music.'

I'm sorry I had to end it like this, over the internet I mean, but you weren't answering your phone.


...and now for some random Snow Patrol quotes...just because



"If I lay here, if I just lay here...would you lie with me and just forget the world?"

OH! this brings me to something... I think I've realized I might be able to take a step towards a heterosexual relationship... if I could just find someone who would be comfortable with a step above best friends but two steps under the girlfriend status and not make it awkward...I think it could work.

but for now, it's just me, my Macbook, and my amazing taste in movies

Pageant Application

I know I already blogged about this, but it's that pageant-y time of year again, well--atleast for the applications. So I posted a link. Honestly, it was the best 2.5 weeks of my life, it was absolutely amazing. So...y'all should apply.

It's been over 8 months since I've come to terms with my same-sex attraction, and my life has changed SO much. I've been so much more honest about my feelings to myself, to my friends, acquaintances, and church leaders. I've grown in so many ways, found out a lot of holes in my spiritual fortress, and have slowly began to patch them up. I've also learned that the straight and narrow path isn't a straight line that takes you neatly from point A to point B...it will take you EVERYWHERE.

anyway. I'm done. Have a good one kids!

--AtP

I hate that look, you know... the look that you give young men who are 19 or 20 who aren't on missions. The awkward face where you start to ask a question, but then you suddenly realize that it wouldn't be appropriate in this situation. Or, you feel like being a jerk and actually continue ASKING the question.

*le sigh* I guess finding a new ward isn't going to solve anything. Oh, they also found out how old I was at Deseret Book, first they're slightly annoyed that I have the position I do at my age...then I got that awkward, "mission" facial expression from everyone. The only one who hasn't done it has been the store manager, that guy is amazing.

I wish I could feel safe in telling them what really is happening, the fact that I was flagged because I was honest on my mission papers, and then the 1st presidency decided that it would be best for me to have a set time for me to wait.

I'm bitter right now, I KNOW there's a reason why I'm still here, I just need to not let everyone else cloud the picture between me and my Father. I can't let their suspicions, gossip, and derision run my life.

QOTD compliments of El Veneno

"Atleast you make internet friends with girls...see, youre practically straight!"

the promotion was finallized today, they're announcing to my store on the 26th...so I think I'm just going to quit my morning job whenever I get sick of it

The Hill Cumorah Pageant Application period starts on the 15th of August. I was in the cast last summer and it was an amazing experience. I'm going to apply again for this summer

PS I'm teaching the Elder's Quorum lesson on Sunday (Ch 15 in the WW book) Any ideas?

It's happening... I'm finally facing what I'm going through and getting to the point where I can rise above it. I once again have a desire to go to the temple, a desire to grow from who I am, into who He knows I can be, a desire to serve in whatever capacity I can, a desire to share who I am, and a desire to share with others the knowledge I've gained through my journey here in this place



Don't look back.

an excerpt from my thought process during sacrament meeting..

"Ugh, Bro. (expletive delete) just got up to share is testimony...wait. story-mony, dear God, please let something land on my head and kill me.

...

I wonder if I threw the tissue box cover (which is quite heavy and made of glass, sitting right next to the podium) with enough force if it'll kill Bro (Expletive delete).

...

Wow... I just thought about murdering some old man in my ward...i'm sure Jesus would be pissed. Hopefully He was too busy listening to Bro. (expletive delete not to notice me plotting someone's death"

And that was the end of that chapter, I feel a llittle guilty, but not too bad. hahaha

Anyway, my friend just recently acquired a boyfriend, I'm happy for her (Infact I just asked if i could be her maid of honor--No reply as of yet) although it makes me slightly jealous... but that lead for some more thinking on my part...which i'm becoming fast convinced that me thinking is never, ever a good thing.

I'm too a point in my life that all I want is for someone to be there to hold me, I still feel attracted to men, but the attraction to females is growing little by little...almost to the point where I could almost ask somone a girl on a date...and not feel like I'm lying to her. Now just finding a girl that I could stomach dating, or kissing.

Sorry, my blog never has any well formulated thoughts or ideas... but, i've learned from Sam and Ward that it's my blog...so if you don't follow it, go screw yourself =D (said with the most love possible)

Anywa, I've rambled enough for this evening. g'night kids!

http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20030219-2.gif
This was cool, I've enjoyed reading these blogs a lot. Actually it was the Ben's article that he wrote that finally help me come to terms with my sexual attraction. Anywho. it's so time for me to finish watching a movie. Have a great saturday


http://www.sltrib.com/ci_4136232

okay kids (maybe i shouldn't write that..i'm pretty mch the youngest person in this area of blogland) but this is for your viewing pleasure

I'm meeting with the regional manager sometime next week to see if I'm the right person for the new supervisor position at DB. I hope he doesn't ask why I'm not on a mission.

Tonight while I was restocking I was in the Self Improvement section and ran accross In Quiet Desperation and other books dealing with Same-Gender Attraction that we carry...so, I started thinking (never a good thing) Umm what do I say to someone who brings up that book? What should I say, what should I do? I want them to know they're people out there who understand...but I also don't need any more rumors flying round Prozac Valley about me.

This whole supervisor thing really has my plan messed up, can I really just up and hopefully transfer stores 4 months after I get a promotion? I still want to go to the LDSBC, but now my crystal clear plan that seemed so perfect doesn't seem so anymore.

I think I need to buy the book The Zeezrom Syndrome (?) I think that's what it's called, anywho, I need a spiritual drop kick in the face, and the courage to go talk to my bishop...that could help.


on a different note

My birthday present to myself (the macbook) will FINALLY be here tomorrow.


Okay I think I've properly mulled everything over, time for bed!

everything is going well, I'm making choices--things are moving at a great pace. Then at Deseret Book the store manager asks me if I want to be a supervisor for the store.

WTF?

I started the application to the LDS Business College, everything should be turned in next friday. I told my parents and they had a VERY hard time when I mentioned "moving to salt lake"

My parents have come a long way with being able to handle this challenge in my life, but they have so many hang ups to overcome--mostly caused from my oldest brother. My oldest brother (who passed away over three years ago) lived a crazy life full of drugs, alchohol, the SLC club scene, prostitution, and severe depression. He met the most amazing man two years before he died, he was a huge support and helped my brother get his life on track. Near the end of his life he relapsed into drug use and shortly after he passed away.

Ben wasn't kind to my parents at all, he really rubbed it in their faces that he was gay, on many occasions he would call my mom in the middle of the night, begging for more money for drugs. When she would turn him down (with love) he would start yelling and screaming, mentioning the fact that he was prostituting himself for money.

With all of these negative memories associated with homosexuality and SLC they are having a very difficult time realizing that I am very, very different from my oldest brother, and that I have a desire to live my life in accordance to the standards that I feel are right for me. They still can't understand that.

Hmmm, I guess everything will work itself out. This is a learning experience for them, and I need to be patient with them.

I feel like I should update...but I really don't have anything new to say. I've had a hard time lately, I've really wanted to just go crazy and find someone to make out with.

Hmmm I should get used to the thought that me making out with someone won't happen unless I am suddenly attracted to a girl or I get really drunk. and I'm assuming neither won't be happening any time soon.

Seriously considering going to the LDS business college.

any thoughts?

Todays Elder's Quorum lesson

"Nurturing Marriage"

One more reason why I should go to a singles ward. I really need to move out.

I just got another job at the good ol' DB...

Deseret Book that is! The interview was weird, well since it wasn't an interview, I was basically offered the job as soon as I sat in the chair--apparently no men can work during the priesthood session on conference weekend! how crazy is that?

I'm excited

Okay, I know Postsecret is a little well passe. But I really liked this one. Maybe I should try harder... Anyway, I've been trying for months of one I could send in about my struggle with same sex attraction

I can't wait for the day when I find myself fully converted to His Gospel. Although the only thing keeping me from obtaining that, is myself.

I have a LOT of work to do.

Come to think of it, I'm grateful for the oppurtunity to stay off the mission for a little bit. I need to really recommit myself to the Church and strive to live valiantly everyday.

PS you should rent Everything is Illuminate that movie was AMAZING

The birthday was great! Well, I came down with a cold, so it was as amazing as it could have been. On a brighter note, I'm ordering a Macbook today :-D.

tomorrow is the beginning of everyone asking me why I'm not on my mission--I turn 19.

For those struggling with SSA there are a lot of times when our feelings are pulling us in two very opposite directions...right now is one of those times.

Two years ago I attended Especially For Youth at the BYU provo campus. Like everyone there I had developed a CoW (crush of the week)--she was amazing, beautiful, talented, smart, an activist, absolutely perfect. We've always stayed in touch via email, our blogs, the occasional phone call, and whenever she came to Utah we'd go get lunch or something. Recently we've beem communicating more--I've been realizing more and more that I could marry someone like her. Flashes of walking out of the temple, etc fly through my mind.

Then comes the direct opposite--I see a man jogging outside my window with no shirt, other images flash through that aren't nearly as pure or idealistic--both seem right, both seem natural and I'm at a loss, in order to get my mind off of it I go and fold laundry.

anyway, i don't know why i'm writing this, it's ridiculous. I know I won't be getting married in this life. and I'm okay with that. I just really don't like how I occasionally feel like i'm going to be shredded in two.

Thinking about this, I remember when I first realized I struggled with SSA and accepted it. I knew that I could remain an active member of the church in good standing and still have this struggle, at that moment everything seemed aligned. I guess I need to make sure that I keep my thoughts in control (not suppressed) and then make sure to have that connection with Christ, because He does know what I'm going through--he's felt the pain, the hurt, those conflicting emotions. and most of all He loves me.

Let's play a game...it's called "Find AtP an apartment"

any suggestions for byu approved housing?

rev 7: 13-17
And one of the elders answered, saying unto me, What are these which are arrayed in white robes? And whence came they?

And I said unto him, Sir, thou knowest. And he said to me, these are they which came out of great tribulation, and have washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.

Therefore are they before the throne of God, and serve him day and night in his temple; and he that sitteth on the throne shall dwell among them.

They shall hunger no more, neither thirst any more; neither shall the sun light on them, nor any heat.

For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters; and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes.

I found out that I'm going to have to stick around for a while.

Hmmm well, this is primarily my blog to discuss my thoughts and struggles concerning the mission, my ssa, etc.

but tonight i'm going to take a little vacation from that... er... quasi vacation.

I saw The Devil Wears Prada with Latin Stud and ByuSkyBluePink, good times had by all.

I had an odd realization. I go through best friends like toilet paper.... Seriously, the longest anyone has ever made it has been 1.5 years, held by Fadgst. That one ended when I came home from my mini-mission last summer and I told her I didn't need her friendship. I did that, cut off all ties, without feeling a single emotion about it.

I'm really a monster when I seperate my actions from my emotions. Anyway, who will I move onto next? How will I destroy this friendship? I'm seeing one on the fritz right now and I don't knwo if I care enough to really do anything about it.

dang, why am I so emotionally detached?

Okay, so I was on campus on monday, and right now there are EFY kids SWARMING the place.

I realized, I've gotten old(er). You see, last year I would've been checking out the participants...when I saw everyone this year-I was totally checking out the counselors.

it was so weird.

Oh, PS, I found out the person who did my evaluation hasn't even sent it to my bishop or my stake president. I'm pretty much livid about the situation

PSS the social worker who did my eval has been completely ignoring my phone calls. If I don't get an answer tomorrow I'll just stop by LDS social serivices and it won't be pretty

I want this to just be over.

I feel inadequate, and empty...

ugh maybe I should just dye my hair black and start listening to wicked emo music.

Anyway, I just need to go to bed and let tomorrow be a new day

Hey everyone.

there's a really awesome forum for people struggling with SSA who want to lead lives dedicated to the Gospel @ www.lds-ssa.org it's helped me a lot. so yeah, check it out

This is going to be the first, and the last time that I will ever blog about work, I swear.

I work in the card cancellation dept for American Express business cards. Great times, right? People call me, tell me to cancel their cards, I talk them out of it. Today I received a doozy. Infact I'm still reeling from it.

ME: Thank you for calling open from American Express, this is AttemptingthePath, how may I assist you today?

Cardmember: Do you support abortion?

ME: Ummm, what do you mean--me personally or American Express?

CM: Does your (expletive delete) corporation support abortion?!

ME: Amex doesn't take a stance on pressing social issues such as this.

CM: I read that Amex gave money to planned parenthood! Is that true?!

ME: I can't say if in the past that Amex has given any money to the planned parenthood **sounds of me being cut off by the CM*

CM: (more expletive deletes)

Funny part of the story is that he's the leader of a non-denominational worship center, and that I basically paid him off in money to keep his account open... heehee


That's just about as bad as the time that someone called in to cancel their card because Ellen "Degenerate" was in an ad that amex did.

People are ridiculous.

I think I just realized how creepy my profile picture is... *shudder*

I need to find a new one hahaha

A few weeks ago I was really feeling burnt out on gay issues—I couldn’t do it anymore, I HAD to take a break. This was due to overanalyzing my own life, paying too much attention to current gay events, and possibly becoming too involved with other people’s lives.

This little respite has been extremely beneficial for me, mostly because I’ve been trying to find a balance between small part of me that experiences attractions to members of my own sex, and the rest of my life (my desire to serve a mission, my job, my friends, family, my own mental stability, et cetera)

And very slowly, it’s happening. I’ve come to a few conclusions the past week or so that I just want to throw out there… And I think the most important one being the terms in which I use to identify myself. From around April until the beginning of June, I would openly use the term gay with my friends haphazardly. Then a week or so ago, I realized that I have no idea what the word gay means! I referred to Dictionary.com nothing, the definition is ambiguous at best, and it talked about social norms, homosexual orientation and so on. These terms are thrown around so loosely when you attempt to define the terms you are automatically thrown into a quagmire that is nearly impossible to escape.

I’ve come back to the realization that the term that best describes what I’m experiencing in this life is someone who struggles with Same-Sex Attraction. There’s no nonsense with that term, no negative social connotations, no need to live up to the social expectations with it…it’s very clear cut and seemingly easily to define. Anyway…those were the ramblings of a quasi-angsty pre-missionary who may very well be a no-missionary hahaha.

But.

I wouldn’t trade the challenges in my life for anything.

Okay, I'd really like everyone to answer this question...

When you were first coming to the conclusion of dealing with Same-sex attraction, what were the most invaluable lessons you have learned concerning the topic?

The reason why I ask is that there are so many young men and women (and older ones too) that are finally coming to terms with their attraction and desperately need to learn from our experiences.

Holy crap, THAT'S FUNNY.

I haven't heard anything yet.

But I feel SO much better now that I have my escape plan figured out... A few classes at UVSC in the afternoon, and living in Belmont of Bountiful Court. They're both ghetto, but it's cheap :-)

Anyway, how's life everyone?

Oh. So yeah...

If the mission thing doesn't happen. I have everything else planned out. All I need now is an answer from Church HQ

The evaluation was pure hell.

i have no idea if or when i'm going to serve a mission.

but besides that, there was one of thsoe crazy-awesome Utah rainstorms tonight, and I played in the puddles for aobut an hour!

So, overall today wasn't that bad

Dang. sometimes I really want to go back to my old ways (i never did anything crazy or whatnot) but man, it seems like fun.

It's been six months.

First of all, thank you all for the comments!

Secondly next thursday is the day I meet to get the evaluation. I'm really learning a lesson in patience, understanding and my techniques on lying to people have ever increased :-D. Although, it is entertaining to tell people I'm waiting on the paternity test of my ex-girlfriend's baby :-D

But what happens if I can't go? What will I do? Where will I go? I don't really see myself being able to hang around Utah Valley after being turned down for missionary service.. Then, when I tell people I can't go for medical reasons (I've been telling people it's because of depression I need the eval) They'll probably just assume I wasn't worthy or something.

But what happens will happen for a reason. I just need to find what it is.